Conversations with Micah 03.011

Micah walked up to me right before he got in the tub, leaned in, and whispered in my ear "I'm going to pee on your foot"

Esther @ 15 Months

Stats

22 lbs 3 oz (65%)

30.5" (50%)

Comparing...

Esther	Micah	Isaiah
22 lbs 3 oz (65%)	20 lbs, 6 oz (5%)	26 lbs, 8 oz (93%)
30.5" (50%)	27 3/4" (3%)	31" (41%)

Isaiah @ 7 Years!

Stats

53 lbs, 8 oz (65%)

47.5" (40%)

Most birthdays seem to sneak up on me. Not that I don't realize they're coming but, once they get here, I'm always taken aback by the fact that my kids are growing up (You're how old today?!?) Isaiah especially, probably due to the fact that he's the oldest. This year, though...I was ready. I've been saying he's 7 for a couple months now (which started out with an honest confusion of how old he was...because last year lasted forrreverrrrrrrrrr). So, I was ready to start saying he's 7.

But....he's SEVEN.

He's gone from this tiny, helpless baby that I had no idea how I was going to take care of to a walking, (back) talking, loud, silly, sweet, little person. He is SO stinking smart. He loves to read (which I am only too happy to indulge!) He loves his friends. He loves his siblings.

Isaiah is able to do so much on his own now. He mostly made the brownies he brought to school today! He's made everyone sandwiches for lunch when I've had a fussy baby finally asleep in my lap. He showers, washes his own hair, brushes his own teeth, can (mostly) match his clothes. He folds and puts away his laundry! He was making his own bed, too...but I think with bunk beds that's probably going to come back to me.

He's in first grade. He started scouts this year. We went on our first camping trip! He has a little girl that I think he kind of likes. She's super sweet, and I saw her walk right up to him and say "I have a crush on you"!

It's bittersweet looking back through the past year in pictures. We've done so much and had so many changes but he...doesn't look different. I guess we've hit the age where he isn't undergoing dramatic changes from one birthday to the next. I can't tell he's getting older anymore! So, even though we've done so much you can't tell from looking at the pictures anymore. I don't know...I don't think I can put this part in to words right now.

But Isaiah's still my sweet, snuggly little boy. I actually gave him birthday kisses (instead of spankings) this morning and he was so totally and completely thrilled with that. He's the one that's always up for hugs and snuggles. It makes his day when we're able to curl up on the couch and I can listen to him read (those times are all too rare and usually involve a baby in my lap). I'm going to be crushed the day he decides he's "too old" for Mom's kisses.

I didn't know I could ever be some completely frustrated and in love with someone at the same time. Yes, I'm way too hard on him sometimes. Or maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Probably some of both.

If I'm being completely honest, though....I'm a little leery of the time around Isaiah's birthday. We've had spectacularly bad days the past two years. One of those times involved a call to the police. Hopefully things have settled enough that this year we can all get through unscathed.

But nothing can change how amazing he is and how much I love him!

Farewell, 2015

 

It was one year ago, today, that my ex finally moved out for good.

I've now been a single mom of 3 kids for a year.

And I've survived.

I've survived.

I don't know that I've thrived. In fact, some parts have been pure hell. But I've survived. We all have. We survived unemployment, moving, a new job, car trouble, and new activities. We've made new friends, and learned who we can count on (and unfortunately, who we can't).

Most importantly, we've healed. Not all the way, but some. We aren't going to be put back together the same way, but that's to be expected. It's okay. At least things aren't quite as bleak and scary as they were. Everything isn't shrouded in gray anymore.

That was the biggest surprise for me. Everything was kind of gray for a while. I don't know how else to explain it. I don't think I realized it until I looked back.

Sweet Esther was only 6 weeks old when her dad left. Unless something catastrophic happens to me, she's never really going to know what it's like to live with him. It sort of makes me sad...but I'm thankful she won't have memories of the fighting. Or see how the lies tore me down. By the time she can remember, I will have healed (maybe still not all the way, but more than I am now). I will be a strong role model for my little girl.

Silly Micah has been through more changes than the rest of us. He's potty trained (except at night), falls asleep in his new, big bed by himself, and started preschool. For a while he lost his silly. I didn't even realize it was gone until it started to come back. I feel so bad that I didn't know it was missing. I was too wrapped up in myself. In surviving. The silly still comes and goes....but its back, I take that as proof that he's healing.

And my amazing Isaiah. One could argue it's been toughest for him. He remembers living with his dad and he remembers the fights. But he doesn't know about the lies. He doesn't know what finally destroyed his parents' marriage. He just knows his life has completely changed. And so much is expected of him now. I try not to put too much on him, but someone needs to watch Esther so I can make dinner/do laundry/take a shower/etc. It's probably not fair, but there's no one else to do it. Soon enough we can utilize the tv for some of that, but she's not into it yet.

As for me....I don't know. I've changed. I'm scarred. I've cried a lot and been angry more. I've been so frustrated I couldn't see straight. I've yelled at the kids way more than I ever thought I would. I've hated myself. And I've been proud of myself. I found my way out of the gray world I was in for a while. I can remember days where I was completely lost, but didn't even know what I needed.

I learned to sit (somewhat) patiently, pray, and wait for God's direction. And it came. Problems were solved. The gray shroud was lifted. Once again, He provided for us.

For the past couple weeks I've been working on the long form for a marriage annulment through the church. I keep remembering things that I dealt with. So many lies. so much sneaky behavior. Being told point blank that it was my fault I didn't trust him. (Turns out, that was utter bullshit!) I expected it to hurt...but it doesn't. I expected to be angry...but I'm not. I'm sorely disappointed that things went the way they did, but it turns out I am healing. Which is something I didn't even realize I needed to do.

I think forgiveness is coming too. Some days I still want to be angry, but (sometimes) I can talk myself out of it. I prayed about that a lot too.

So next year, as I hit the middle of my 30's, I'm going to heal some more. And so are my kids. I'm still scared of what's in store for us.......but I believe there will be some great things too!

Esther @ 1 YEAR!

Oh, sweet Little Bit. It's such a strange thing watching you grow up. With your brothers, I had hope for more kids...I knew I WANTED more kids, and believed I would have more. With you, though....well, unless something drastically changes, you're it sweetie. The Final One. And watching you move through these stages of growing up is so bittersweet. Knowing we are leaving the baby things behind for good is so sad. And I feel like I missed so much of your first year because I was wrapped up in myself and all that we were going through. I'm sorry you're never going to know a time when your father and I were together, but you will also never know the fighting that went on between us. I believe that moving forward, once your brothers and I have time to heal, things will be much better for us. So, hang in there sweetie. The next year is another big one...but hopefully only for you!

Stats

21 lbs 3 oz (72%)

29" (49%)

We are at one of those stages where every darn day seems to bring something new. Esther is not only standing on her own, but she's started dancing! She can take a few steps on her own, but still mostly cruises. And crawling. She can go anywhere like that and uses it to her advantage when I'm not going the right way, or am distracted by her brothers. In fact, she's found the candy drawer and will make her way over to it when I'm not looking, and go digging for suckers!

Also....climbing. And getting down off things (like my bed, or the couch).

And Esther looooves to practice walking. It's so cute to hold her hand and walk around....but sometimes she wants to walk and we just can't. Like at church. Or in the middle of a busy store. Then the squirming starts. And if she doesn't get out, the screaming kicks in. She can somehow turn completely around in a seatbelt in a shopping cart. Also, it's now fun to walk in circles holding my hand...until I get dizzy and make her stop.

Oh yeah, and she's trying out her voice. She's definitely learned volume and loves to hear how she sounds in different places. If she hears an echo, all bets are off. That girl can make some noise.

Esther is also getting...sheesh, a bunch of teeth. Her 2nd on the top (both sides) finally came through but the 3rd from the middle are both right behind. The second out on the bottom have just popped through as well. Also, apparently one of her molars is coming too. These teeth, let me tell you. They move for a few days and we have really crappy nights of sleep (even giving her Tylenol only gets us until about 3). Then we get a break. And, while the break is nice recovery time, I wish they moved at a more slow-and-steady pace.

Speaking of sleep. She still naps in the car. I need to get things switched around and try to get her back in the crib. Two problems: it will involve screaming, there will be a lack of naps while this gets figured out. Both problems will definitely interfere with work and since we're coming down off a database switch....I've been super busy. So, I suppose that will be put off a bit longer.

Esther has tried so many different foods! She even sampled some sushi last night. But we seem to have hit the toddler eating stage super early. I don't even know what to feed her sometimes! Unless it's cheese, chicken nuggets, hot dogs, or yogurt drops, she's not interested. She's even been turning down grapes!!! I'm so glad Esther is still nursing because she's too young for vitamins to cover that gap in her diet.

Talking is funny. It's like Esther suddenly blurts out a bunch of new words...then doesn't use them! The most recent one is "shoe". Heard it once when we got her new shoes and haven't since. She also can say "Isaiah" perfectly! She's said Micah a few times. But, mostly they're still bruh-buh. My favorite, though is "dis", especially when I ask what she has and she holds it up and says "dis". So stinking cute, that girl. She also says "Ma" reliably. Any animal is "bark bark". Ruff is occasionally "dog".

Esther's had a cold for...about a week now. The first night was freaking awful because I had to sleep on the couch to keep her upright enough that the congestion wasn't making her feel smothered. Since then, we've been able to sleep in my bed, but she always wakes up in the middle of the night coughing. It takes a bit to get that to subside enough for me to be able to go back to sleep (because she gets really agitated by it). Thankfully, it doesn't wake her up enough to make her think it's time to get up for the day. So only one of us seems to be suffering from lack of sleep.

I'm sure there's more she's doing. I just can't seem to keep track of all of it. This will probably be my last monthly update for her, but I'm sure she will be mentioned in her brother's yearly updates coming up soon!

Comparing...

Esther	Micah	Isaiah
21 lbs 3 oz (72%)	20 lbs, 4 oz (15%)	25 lbs, 5 oz (95%)
29" (49%)	27 3/4" (3%)	31 1/2" (95%)

Conversations with Micah 03.010

Me: Okay, Micah. Today is Sunday, so that means tomorrow is Monday and you get to go to....

Micah: KANSAS!!

Me: Noooo.....

Micah: Science City?

Me: How about school?

Micah: Oh, okay. School.

Conversations with Micah 03.009

Micah stumbled and put out his hand to steady himself. Unfortunately, he grabbed the trash can instead of the wall and fell a bit more. Then he burst out with this gem:

Mom! I almost fell! That scared Jesus out of me!!