When Your Brain Doesn't Follow the Rules: My Battle with Depression

It’s been almost a year since I was diagnosed with “severe, severe” depression and anxiety. I know not everyone’s battle with these looks the same, but mine was so skewed from “the norm” that I want to share what I went through.

In May 2016, my ex-mother-in-law unexpectedly passed away. I still vividly remember driving on a  two-lane country highway returning from her memorial service and suddenly thinking “I’m going fast enough that if I drive into oncoming traffic we would probably all die, and I wouldn’t leave my kids without a mother”. The thought didn’t shock me as much as it probably should have. I didn’t end up doing it because I didn’t want to end up the sole survivor when I had done it on purpose.

A week or two later, I was reading some article that just devastated me. I don’t even remember what it was about, but I remember sitting on my bed, curled up, rocking, bawling my eyes out and thinking “That’s so awful! How could someone do that! This world is such an awful place! I don’t have to stay here….”

After that, I realized I needed help. While I don’t distinctly remember having any suicidal thoughts before these two instances, I had a vague feeling that they were becoming more frequent and distinct. Almost like a dream you can’t specifically remember until you’ve had it several times.

I honestly thought going for help would be the hard part. I went to the county health department and was evaluated. That’s where I was told I was severely, severely depressed and had generalized anxiety. I was shocked that he repeated “severely” but relieved that the extent of my depression was recognized by someone besides myself. Then, I started crying when he said I would have to wait a month for a psychiatrist appointment.

After discussing it, I left with a sheet of referrals but no appointment. I felt that my depression was progressing enough that if I waited another month I may very well lose the fight. I seriously thought that all I needed to do was get some medication and it would be better. I took the first appointment I could at a local clinic with a sliding scale and discussed with her what I had been going through, what I had been told at mental health, and what I had read online about antidepressants and nursing. I started a very low dose of Zoloft.

I thought that would be the end of it. I’d wait a few weeks for the meds to kick in and everything would be better. Little did I know….

Things continued to worsen as I started packing  for our move and started missing the hours I was supposed to be working. I would sit down at the computer and just stare at it, not realizing as the time ticked away. I would be so exhausted in the middle of the day that I would have to take a nap.

I continued having  medication follow ups every month or so. The low dose of Zoloft didn’t help, so it was upped. Then upped again. And again. And then another medication was added. And another. After every increase there was a couple weeks of constant headaches interspersed with more severe migraines. The pain didn’t help with the depression or exhaustion. I was overwhelmed. The suicidal thoughts came back. I remember having this feeling of just fighting and fighting with the little energy I had but I just kept losing. Every day I lost a little more.

I wish I could accurately describe how this part felt. Every single day was a desperate, desperate, desperate fight...not just to get up, get the kids fed, mediate fights, etc...but just to survive. It was a very bizarre feeling that I had to keep fighting, even though I always lost, because if I stopped fighting, even to just take a breath, I would die.

I was urged to see a therapist because antidepressants have a higher success rate when coupled with counseling. Due to a sexual assault I had experienced years earlier I was eligible for free counseling. While at the time I felt like this young intern was using a lot of keywords, but maybe not empathizing, I did come away with two very big points from it.

I am a creative person. Seriously, I had no clue!

Depression can manifest as anger. And with this realization I feel like my world tilted a little bit. Depression can manifest as anger.

I had been dealing with depression for years. Years! This irrational anger that would explode out of nowhere was depression. Not bad diet. Not lack of exercise. Not righteous anger about my divorce. D E P R E S S I O N.

I thought depression was exhaustion, lack of interest and suicide. That’s how the antidepressant commercials describe it. I realized I had depression when it got that bad. But I’d been struggling with it for years before that. Years as  in….before I even found out that my entire marriage had been a sham.

I remember seeing a therapist back in….2011….for what I was calling “the angries”. It was that irrational anger that always seemed lodged in the center of my chest and would bloom with very little prompting. I remember throwing a remote at the wall, but I have no idea why. I was just angry All. The. Time. Even if I didn’t show it, I felt it. I stopped going to counseling because “the angries” were attributed to stress and they were trying to give me coping techniques.

Things seemed to get better… I think. I can’t honestly say if that anger rock was gone, but there are times when I maybe didn’t notice it as much. Or maybe it did go away. I got married, had another baby, got another degree. But, as quickly as I got married things started falling apart again. He lied. It was my fault. His was sneaky. It was my fault. He lost my trust, it was my fault. He took money, it was my fault. Somehow it seemed that everything was my fault.

And I started to get angry again. It wasn’t the same as before. Maybe because everyone around me seemed to think it was okay that I was angry. So I believed that. But, really, it wasn’t. I would lose my temper at my kids and would hit things (not them!). I broke kitchen utensils, another remote, at least one phone screen.

I KNEW I was overreacting. I knew I was setting an awful example. And the pressure I put on myself to “get a grip” just made it all worse.

And it wasn’t until I traveled through the realm of “finding the right antidepressant dose” that I realized that I had been angry a long time. So when I asked the question: Can depression manifest as anger? And was told it absolutely could, I felt like I had finally been validated. And there really WAS a reason that I had been so angry.

----

Now, a year or so later, I can’t say I’m “cured” but I am “better”. I haven’t even mentioned the thousands of dollars I spent trying to fill a hole with things. I haven’t mentioned the days where my kids would beg to just go outside and I was too exhausted to walk downstairs. I don’t even know how often we have ordered dinner because I was just too exhausted to figure out food. These smaller symptoms still creep back from time to time.

But the good days far outweigh the bad and the feeling of fighting a riptide is gone. I still slip back. I still occasionally feel angry for absolutely no reason, but now I recognize these things for what they are and that can actually help me control my actions. Instead of fighting the anger, I can accept it as a temporary feeling that will go away. Not having to fight gives me more energy to control it.

So, I suppose the moral of my story is: if something doesn’t seem like it’s right listen to yourself. If you try to find help, and the answers you are given seem to trite, keep looking. Don’t give up. Don’t let the answers that don’t fit make you feel like you’re the one that’s wrong.

Depression isn’t just exhaustion. Anxiety isn’t just panic attacks. Everyone’s brain is wired differently. Find the answer for YOU, don’t try to force yourself into someone else’s mold.

Never give up! Never surrender! :)

Conversations with Esther 01.02

Me: Esther, how did you get so crazy?
Esther: Daddy drive me crazy

Conversations with Esther 01.01

Me: Come here, let me give you a kiss.

Esther: No!

Me: No? No kisses?

Esther: No!

Me: Can I kiss your cheek?

Esther: No!
Me: Can I kiss your nose?

Esther: No!

Me: What can I kiss?

Esther: My feet!

One Year (Coming Clean)

A year ago today, my divorce was finalized. It was the oddest feeling of relief, terror, and sadness all rolled in to one. Looking back now, I wonder what in the world I was expecting once that was behind me. Because, even though I was expecting sweet relief and sunny skies from then on, that wasn't to be.

It seemed like everything was going to be fine. The kids and I had a new apartment that had a nice setup outside where we could still play (but I didn't have to mow!), I finally started a job after being out of work for seven months; and working from home meant I didn't have to put the kids in daycare. School started a few weeks later and Isaiah got involved in scouts. I met some great people through that!

Most importantly, I was no longer afraid of what would happen with the divorce. I wasn't worried that my ex would suddenly stop being so accommodating and everything would get ugly. I was no longer terrified he'd make good on his passing threats to take the kids or keep "his money" from us. Finally, everything was over, done, and we could start to put all the ugliness behind us.

We fell in to a routine. As time went on that routine wore me down. The kids were only with their dad sixteen hours a week. Isaiah was in school and Micah had half-day preschool but Esther was still with me the other 527 hours a week (at least, that's what it felt like). The day-and-a-half the kids were gone I had a giant to do list filled with things for work, volunteering, scouts and cleaning. There was never, ever, ever, ever a break. Never.

I kept hearing "you need to have time for you" and "you can't take care of your kids if you don't take care of yourself". I could have taken a break, but something would have been dropped and I would have fallen behind. Trying to catch-up on cleaning or work when the kids were home was.......difficult to impossible.

Over time I started to sink. Slowly, life unraveled. I took those breaks, but I never tried that hard to catch up on everything. I was always behind on something. Trying to catch up on cleaning put me behind on work. Catching up on work put me behind on planning for scouts. Always something was left undone. That feeling made me sink further, so I did less. It was a mess. My attitude was awful. I yelled at the kids all. the. time. I think there were days were a kind were didn't pass my lips. They just wanted to connect with me, but I had sunken in to this fog that I didn't even realize I was in. There were days that I went to bed and had no idea what I had done that day.

Then we had to move from that apartment I was initally so excited about. I could not take the cigarette smoke anymore. Isaiah was having headaches. Esther was coughing all the time. I had to make the decision to uproot us, once again, and get out of an unhealthy environment.

After that decision was made, I found a place, started packing and planning, and I just plummeted. I couldn't do more than one thing at a time. My work started to get sloppy. My home started to get sloppy. My diet started to get sloppy. I can't even describe what I was doing. Just barely going through the motions. This was the proverbial straw that broke me.

Then....I started having passing thoughts about ending it all. About just being done with it because all this was so hard. Thinking about driving in to oncoming traffic with the kids in the back seat so they wouldn't be left without a mother. One day I just broke in to gut wrenching sobs and felt like there was nothing good left in the world and I didn't want to be in it anymore

That day, before I even really had a hold of myself, I called the county mental health department. The guy who did my intake interview said I was "severely, severely depressed" and had generalized anxiety. Instead of waiting another 2 months to see their psychiatrist, I was referred somewhere else for medication, and that place referred me to a third party for counseling. It was sort of a drawn out fight to keep going, to get the help I realized I needed so very, very badly. But this was the first thing in months I put much effort in to. I kept going because I knew I needed to. Because I knew there wasn't an alternative I was willing to accept.

I think I'm at the beginning of a really long road. One where I'm trying to find my way out of this deep, twisting cave I somehow gotten lost in. And I realized I've actually been depressed for a long time. At least a couple years. That's how long I can remember feeling this knot of anger inside. That's how it all started. A little anger that grew in to more and morphed in to complete despair.

So, while I wish I could write about how amazing my life has been since my divorce and how much healing I've done in the past year....I actually feel like I'm worse of now than I was. And while I can't regret ending my relationship, it sure destroyed a lot more of me than I thought it was going to.

Conversations with Isaiah 07.02

Me: How did the allergy medicine work today? Did you sneeze much?
Isaiah: I didn't sneeze once! I think it's because I'm allergic to one of you.

Conversations with Isaiah 07.01

Me: Did you see Henry's dad's arm?
Isaiah: No, what happened?
Me: A dog bit him.
Isaiah: Did they cut it off?!?

Micah @ 4 Years

Stats

30 lbs, 8 oz (10%)

39.25" (30%)

Oh, my sweet bug. I can't believe he's FOUR! That boy is something else. He is just the happiest, craziest little thing I've ever known. He has the biggest bubble of any of my kids but hugs are his way to avoid things. He absolutely loves his siblings. His smiles so big and so bright, but he refuses to even look at a camera 99% of the time. He is my biggest unprompted helper. He is a giant goofball. He is stubborn as all get out.

And, I'm not going to lie, his birth was somewhat traumatic for me. Not in a full PTSD way but the thought of having another baby freaked me out for well over a year. (When I found out I was pregnant with Esther I made sure my new OB knew how quickly Micah came and emphasized the fact that I would prefer a doctor to be in attendance this time around.)

I love him so much.

The two biggest things about Micah have always been: he's so tiny & his crazy bleeding disorder. Well, his blood will always be a thing...but, he's not quite so tiny anymore. I'd say he's graduated from "tiny" to just "small". About a month ago I realized that he was wearing the hand-me-downs from when Isaiah was 4! Micah's still quite a bit lighter than Isaiah was, but he's now within an inch of Isaiah's height at the same age.

When I started jotting down notes for this update I wrote a whole paragraph about how Micah's barely even been bruising lately. Naturally, we've had an increase in bleeding issues since then. It seems like he just needs to brush his nose against something and it's going to start bleeding. The best one was when we were on a walk and Micah just got upset and it started. He wiped out at the pool last weekend and I really expected him to be black and blue the next day. (Thank goodness that didn't happen.) Instead, his nose started bleeding. Twice while we were there. Which reminds me, I need more Kleenex in my purse.....

 

Sometimes this bleeding disorder can be tough. There are things he wants to do that just make me cringe inside. Like cutting out his Pinewood Derby car. Or playing bumper cars (at Chuck E Cheese, so nothing totally insane). While I know that his levels on a bad day are a lot better than others on a good day, I have a hard time not being nervous about things. Whacking his head at the community center or falling off the playground sends me in to a mental debate about whether or not I need to call the clinic and get their opinion on if he needs to come in. He has had marks on his back from a bad fall for months now. I just don't know what to do about it. And while this condition usually becomes milder as an individual grows up, the ways he has to hurt himself get more dramatic (teenage boys!). Anyway, I try not to spend all my time freaking out, but we've had a few big spills lately.

On a vaguely related note, I recently read a book where one of the characters (a little girl) ended up being diagnosed with von Willebrand's. It was a little bit of a flashback, those parents waiting to hear back from the doctor about blood test results, praying it wasn't cancer (because this stuff mimics leukemia). Even though they are fictional, it made me feel somewhat better over my freak out when I got that letter from the hematology/oncology department. Good times.

Micah still absolutely loves going to school. There are days he looks absolutely exhausted and still insists on going. I can tell he's getting more in to the learning side instead of just going there to see other kids and do the noisy/movement stuff. And he suddenly seems to know almost all his letters and can count to 20 minus a 14 or 16. He's getting better at writing his name and can more or less spell it (he tends to forget the 'i'). And apparently he spent most of one day doing puzzles with one of the teachers.

Esther is still absolutely in love with Micah about 95% of the time. She's getting better about demanding what she wants (instead of letting the boys steamroll her) so there have been some fights between those two. But he's still the one she gives most of her kisses to. Isaiah is her protector, but Micah is her buddy.

After all Micah went through last year, I haven't been pushing things on him too much. Unfortunately (for him) that's about to change. I know he can keep his diaper dry all night, he's just not a bit interested in going to the bathroom first thing in the morning. He also still sneaks in to my bed at some point every night. We've had a big lead up to "when you're four, you're going to start sleeping in your bed all night". (He's even said "when I'm 4, I get to sleep in my big bed all night".) I'm hoping he will just...stay there now that he knows he is supposed to. More likely is me having to chase him back in his bed. Once we have that down, we will be doing away with diapers at night (because I'm not giving him the opportunity to wet MY bed if I can help it!)

That boy...I just don't get this part of him. He straight up will refuse to do "the next thing" developmentally speaking. Had no interest potty training. Later it was fits about pooping in the potty. Using utensils are still not high on our list of things to do. Staying in his bed. Keeping his diaper dry. All things I've known he could do, he just had no interest in. Laying down the law leads to melt downs. So I've learned to do this giant lead up to new things (maybe more than I need to). Ever since the "when these diapers are gone, you don't get any more" launch in to potty training, it seems to work. It's just so different from Isaiah who just decides he wants to do things and will do it.

Funny story, a month or so ago Esther was having a really rough time sleeping due to a cough. I made Micah go back to his bed because he was super squirmy and kept waking her up. At some point after going to his bed, he came back in to my room and slept at the foot of my bed. Like Ruff does! He's probably lucky I didn't shove him off the bed like I do to Ruff some nights.

Micah is just an amazing little guy. He can be such a big help to all of us. He still hates having his picture taken. But mostly, he just has this huge personality that makes up for how small he's been. People love to see him coming because he gets SO! EXCITED! when he gets somewhere he enjoys. He also managed to walk the entire time at our last zoo trip...and we went down to the bigger Africa section! Other than the ride back up on the tram (I don't even try that hill with the 3 of them!) he walked the entire time and didn't complain once!

So, more changes on the way for Mr. Bug. But he's rolled with them so far so we'll see how it goes.

Comparing....

Micah	Isaiah
30 lbs, 8 oz (10%)	37 lbs, 6 oz (65%)
39.25" (30%)	39 3/8" (40%)

Conversations with Micah 03.011

Micah walked up to me right before he got in the tub, leaned in, and whispered in my ear "I'm going to pee on your foot"

Esther @ 15 Months

Stats

22 lbs 3 oz (65%)

30.5" (50%)

Comparing...

Esther	Micah	Isaiah
22 lbs 3 oz (65%)	20 lbs, 6 oz (5%)	26 lbs, 8 oz (93%)
30.5" (50%)	27 3/4" (3%)	31" (41%)

Isaiah @ 7 Years!

Stats

53 lbs, 8 oz (65%)

47.5" (40%)

Most birthdays seem to sneak up on me. Not that I don't realize they're coming but, once they get here, I'm always taken aback by the fact that my kids are growing up (You're how old today?!?) Isaiah especially, probably due to the fact that he's the oldest. This year, though...I was ready. I've been saying he's 7 for a couple months now (which started out with an honest confusion of how old he was...because last year lasted forrreverrrrrrrrrr). So, I was ready to start saying he's 7.

But....he's SEVEN.

He's gone from this tiny, helpless baby that I had no idea how I was going to take care of to a walking, (back) talking, loud, silly, sweet, little person. He is SO stinking smart. He loves to read (which I am only too happy to indulge!) He loves his friends. He loves his siblings.

Isaiah is able to do so much on his own now. He mostly made the brownies he brought to school today! He's made everyone sandwiches for lunch when I've had a fussy baby finally asleep in my lap. He showers, washes his own hair, brushes his own teeth, can (mostly) match his clothes. He folds and puts away his laundry! He was making his own bed, too...but I think with bunk beds that's probably going to come back to me.

He's in first grade. He started scouts this year. We went on our first camping trip! He has a little girl that I think he kind of likes. She's super sweet, and I saw her walk right up to him and say "I have a crush on you"!

It's bittersweet looking back through the past year in pictures. We've done so much and had so many changes but he...doesn't look different. I guess we've hit the age where he isn't undergoing dramatic changes from one birthday to the next. I can't tell he's getting older anymore! So, even though we've done so much you can't tell from looking at the pictures anymore. I don't know...I don't think I can put this part in to words right now.

But Isaiah's still my sweet, snuggly little boy. I actually gave him birthday kisses (instead of spankings) this morning and he was so totally and completely thrilled with that. He's the one that's always up for hugs and snuggles. It makes his day when we're able to curl up on the couch and I can listen to him read (those times are all too rare and usually involve a baby in my lap). I'm going to be crushed the day he decides he's "too old" for Mom's kisses.

I didn't know I could ever be some completely frustrated and in love with someone at the same time. Yes, I'm way too hard on him sometimes. Or maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Probably some of both.

If I'm being completely honest, though....I'm a little leery of the time around Isaiah's birthday. We've had spectacularly bad days the past two years. One of those times involved a call to the police. Hopefully things have settled enough that this year we can all get through unscathed.

But nothing can change how amazing he is and how much I love him!

Farewell, 2015

 

It was one year ago, today, that my ex finally moved out for good.

I've now been a single mom of 3 kids for a year.

And I've survived.

I've survived.

I don't know that I've thrived. In fact, some parts have been pure hell. But I've survived. We all have. We survived unemployment, moving, a new job, car trouble, and new activities. We've made new friends, and learned who we can count on (and unfortunately, who we can't).

Most importantly, we've healed. Not all the way, but some. We aren't going to be put back together the same way, but that's to be expected. It's okay. At least things aren't quite as bleak and scary as they were. Everything isn't shrouded in gray anymore.

That was the biggest surprise for me. Everything was kind of gray for a while. I don't know how else to explain it. I don't think I realized it until I looked back.

Sweet Esther was only 6 weeks old when her dad left. Unless something catastrophic happens to me, she's never really going to know what it's like to live with him. It sort of makes me sad...but I'm thankful she won't have memories of the fighting. Or see how the lies tore me down. By the time she can remember, I will have healed (maybe still not all the way, but more than I am now). I will be a strong role model for my little girl.

Silly Micah has been through more changes than the rest of us. He's potty trained (except at night), falls asleep in his new, big bed by himself, and started preschool. For a while he lost his silly. I didn't even realize it was gone until it started to come back. I feel so bad that I didn't know it was missing. I was too wrapped up in myself. In surviving. The silly still comes and goes....but its back, I take that as proof that he's healing.

And my amazing Isaiah. One could argue it's been toughest for him. He remembers living with his dad and he remembers the fights. But he doesn't know about the lies. He doesn't know what finally destroyed his parents' marriage. He just knows his life has completely changed. And so much is expected of him now. I try not to put too much on him, but someone needs to watch Esther so I can make dinner/do laundry/take a shower/etc. It's probably not fair, but there's no one else to do it. Soon enough we can utilize the tv for some of that, but she's not into it yet.

As for me....I don't know. I've changed. I'm scarred. I've cried a lot and been angry more. I've been so frustrated I couldn't see straight. I've yelled at the kids way more than I ever thought I would. I've hated myself. And I've been proud of myself. I found my way out of the gray world I was in for a while. I can remember days where I was completely lost, but didn't even know what I needed.

I learned to sit (somewhat) patiently, pray, and wait for God's direction. And it came. Problems were solved. The gray shroud was lifted. Once again, He provided for us.

For the past couple weeks I've been working on the long form for a marriage annulment through the church. I keep remembering things that I dealt with. So many lies. so much sneaky behavior. Being told point blank that it was my fault I didn't trust him. (Turns out, that was utter bullshit!) I expected it to hurt...but it doesn't. I expected to be angry...but I'm not. I'm sorely disappointed that things went the way they did, but it turns out I am healing. Which is something I didn't even realize I needed to do.

I think forgiveness is coming too. Some days I still want to be angry, but (sometimes) I can talk myself out of it. I prayed about that a lot too.

So next year, as I hit the middle of my 30's, I'm going to heal some more. And so are my kids. I'm still scared of what's in store for us.......but I believe there will be some great things too!

Esther @ 1 YEAR!

Oh, sweet Little Bit. It's such a strange thing watching you grow up. With your brothers, I had hope for more kids...I knew I WANTED more kids, and believed I would have more. With you, though....well, unless something drastically changes, you're it sweetie. The Final One. And watching you move through these stages of growing up is so bittersweet. Knowing we are leaving the baby things behind for good is so sad. And I feel like I missed so much of your first year because I was wrapped up in myself and all that we were going through. I'm sorry you're never going to know a time when your father and I were together, but you will also never know the fighting that went on between us. I believe that moving forward, once your brothers and I have time to heal, things will be much better for us. So, hang in there sweetie. The next year is another big one...but hopefully only for you!

Stats

21 lbs 3 oz (72%)

29" (49%)

We are at one of those stages where every darn day seems to bring something new. Esther is not only standing on her own, but she's started dancing! She can take a few steps on her own, but still mostly cruises. And crawling. She can go anywhere like that and uses it to her advantage when I'm not going the right way, or am distracted by her brothers. In fact, she's found the candy drawer and will make her way over to it when I'm not looking, and go digging for suckers!

Also....climbing. And getting down off things (like my bed, or the couch).

And Esther looooves to practice walking. It's so cute to hold her hand and walk around....but sometimes she wants to walk and we just can't. Like at church. Or in the middle of a busy store. Then the squirming starts. And if she doesn't get out, the screaming kicks in. She can somehow turn completely around in a seatbelt in a shopping cart. Also, it's now fun to walk in circles holding my hand...until I get dizzy and make her stop.

Oh yeah, and she's trying out her voice. She's definitely learned volume and loves to hear how she sounds in different places. If she hears an echo, all bets are off. That girl can make some noise.

Esther is also getting...sheesh, a bunch of teeth. Her 2nd on the top (both sides) finally came through but the 3rd from the middle are both right behind. The second out on the bottom have just popped through as well. Also, apparently one of her molars is coming too. These teeth, let me tell you. They move for a few days and we have really crappy nights of sleep (even giving her Tylenol only gets us until about 3). Then we get a break. And, while the break is nice recovery time, I wish they moved at a more slow-and-steady pace.

Speaking of sleep. She still naps in the car. I need to get things switched around and try to get her back in the crib. Two problems: it will involve screaming, there will be a lack of naps while this gets figured out. Both problems will definitely interfere with work and since we're coming down off a database switch....I've been super busy. So, I suppose that will be put off a bit longer.

Esther has tried so many different foods! She even sampled some sushi last night. But we seem to have hit the toddler eating stage super early. I don't even know what to feed her sometimes! Unless it's cheese, chicken nuggets, hot dogs, or yogurt drops, she's not interested. She's even been turning down grapes!!! I'm so glad Esther is still nursing because she's too young for vitamins to cover that gap in her diet.

Talking is funny. It's like Esther suddenly blurts out a bunch of new words...then doesn't use them! The most recent one is "shoe". Heard it once when we got her new shoes and haven't since. She also can say "Isaiah" perfectly! She's said Micah a few times. But, mostly they're still bruh-buh. My favorite, though is "dis", especially when I ask what she has and she holds it up and says "dis". So stinking cute, that girl. She also says "Ma" reliably. Any animal is "bark bark". Ruff is occasionally "dog".

Esther's had a cold for...about a week now. The first night was freaking awful because I had to sleep on the couch to keep her upright enough that the congestion wasn't making her feel smothered. Since then, we've been able to sleep in my bed, but she always wakes up in the middle of the night coughing. It takes a bit to get that to subside enough for me to be able to go back to sleep (because she gets really agitated by it). Thankfully, it doesn't wake her up enough to make her think it's time to get up for the day. So only one of us seems to be suffering from lack of sleep.

I'm sure there's more she's doing. I just can't seem to keep track of all of it. This will probably be my last monthly update for her, but I'm sure she will be mentioned in her brother's yearly updates coming up soon!

Comparing...

Esther	Micah	Isaiah
21 lbs 3 oz (72%)	20 lbs, 4 oz (15%)	25 lbs, 5 oz (95%)
29" (49%)	27 3/4" (3%)	31 1/2" (95%)

Conversations with Micah 03.010

Me: Okay, Micah. Today is Sunday, so that means tomorrow is Monday and you get to go to....

Micah: KANSAS!!

Me: Noooo.....

Micah: Science City?

Me: How about school?

Micah: Oh, okay. School.

Conversations with Micah 03.009

Micah stumbled and put out his hand to steady himself. Unfortunately, he grabbed the trash can instead of the wall and fell a bit more. Then he burst out with this gem:

Mom! I almost fell! That scared Jesus out of me!!

Conversations with Isaiah 06.012

Isaiah was telling me about the Goosebumps movie after he saw it with Becca...

Mom! You know what the first monster was? The Vomitable Snowman!

Esther @ 11 Months!

Only one more month until Esther turns 1! I can't even believe it. We've been through so much in the past year, it seems like it's gone by so slowly but now we're celebrating Esther's birthday. "The days drag on, the years fly by" sure is applicable here.

I want to say not much has changed in the past month, but I don't think that's true. The absolute biggest thing is, Esther is starting to make her wants known. Loudly. She HATES getting changed. She HATES having things taken away from her. She HATES it when I shower. She HATES getting in the car. She LOVES the kitties. She LOVES going outside. She LOVES to swing. She LOVES her brothers. So, we've been making some small changes here and there.

One of her newly developed dislikes became sitting in her high chair. It didn't matter if she was hungry, she didn't like it. Take away the tray and put her at the table? That will do just nicely, thankyouverymuch.

I've decided to encourage the walking versus crawling for a couple reasons. One, with it cooling off, she's going to wear through pants pretty quickly. Two, she may be more likely to be knocked down but she's less likely to get accidentally (or not) stomped on. I went out and got her one of those push toys and she loved it for about 2 days...now Micah plays with it more than she does. But, in the past couple days her standing alone is really starting to improve. I think the biggest part of that is she's realized she can do it, and now doesn't sit down the second she knows what's going on. She gets so stinking proud of herself, too. It's pretty darn cute.

Isaiah and Esther still love each other. Those two, my goodness. She just looks up to him. He loves her so much...though he doesn't like it when I tell him to play with her while I shower. Apparently he "doesn't know how" to play with her. 

Micah and Esther on the other hand. They have such a love/hate relationship. Definite sibling rivalry there, usually specifically directed at my lap. Occasionally at a toy. Other times, they are so sweet together. I hope the competition wanes as Esther becomes more independent.

Esther is starting to come out of her "I only want Mommy" phase. Thank goodness! I love her so much but sometimes just being able to have someone else hold her for 10 minutes is such a relief. She's even started putting her arms out to have other people hold her. It doesn't usually last long, especially if Micah sees the opportunity and wants to be held. Baby steps.

There's more words coming out of Esther all the time. She said "thanks" when Micah gave her something in church one day. The absolute best was when I told her "I love you" and she copied me. Seriously....awwwwwww! So adorable! She's also waving (and occasionally saying) "hi" and "bye". She pointed at Isaiah and said "bruh-buh Zay" (or something along those lines) a couple mornings ago! Ruff is sometimes "Rup Rup", other times she copies his barking. I know there's a few more, but they escape me right now.

Napping. Ugh, napping is still an issue. She will take a great afternoon nap IF I leave her in the car to do it. She's fallen asleep after dropping Micah off at preschool and not woken up until we got back to school to pick the boys up. But this means I'm stuck out in the car with her. Thankfully my computer can connect to the wifi from my parking spot by the back door...so I just sit in my car and work. Even making phone calls doesn't seem to bother her.

Esther also had her first camping experience! I took the kids and we joined Isaiah's cub scout pack for the family campout. I was worried new surroundings, new routine would throw her off, but she did great. If she had been less interested in trying to eat rocks, that would have been better. Also, if she'd had an easier time falling asleep that would have been nice too...but she wanted to see what those boys were doing. Overall, we survived and so I count it as a win.

Let me just say that I'm awful glad I started planning her birthday stuff really freaking early. I mean, I'm super excited about it and want to have a good time, but 2 months seemed a little excessive. Until I started calling around for things. Like a cake, and a photographer. Several were already booked! I need to remember this for next year if I want to do pictures near her birthday. People schedule fall and holiday pictures around this time so places are booooked. I got in with a lady that had a mini-session cancellation, so I hope I can get some good pictures will all 3 that way!

I guess that's about it for now. On to the big birthday!!!

Micah @ 3.5

Oh, my sweet bug. He is such a character. What's new since his birthday? Well....

Micah definitely has a love/hate relationship with Esther. He can be so sweet and helpful and then be trying to (stealthily) push her over. I'm not sure what to do about that. He gets time out when I catch him, but I know I don't get everything! But it's just so sweet when the first thing out of his mouth most mornings is "how was your good nap?"

On the other hand, he's all love for Isaiah. Except for the accidental injuries between the two, I'm not sure Micah thinks Isaiah can do any wrong. 

He's in counseling. We all are. It's been a rough year. Enough said.

The absolute biggest thing is starting preschool. He LOVES SCHOOL! Oh my goodness, he wants to go every day. And on school days he wants to eat lunch at about 9:30 because he knows he gets to go to school after lunch. I haven't had a single issue with drop off! I really thought he would love it for a day or two (new toys! new friends!) and then be done (wait...rules?!) but he is loving it! He walks in, hangs up his bag, gives me a hug and kiss, and then is off. I'm always hanging around watching for a few minutes (because it's that quick) but he's completely unconcerned.

One glitch with preschool...he's having accidents there. Sometimes a couple a day (and he's only there 3 hours). I don't know if it's because he gets into things, or because he doesn't want to open the door into the other room where the bathrooms are (he can't see through it and hasn't ever been in there except for the bathroom). But the teachers are totally understanding and so it's really a non-issue for everyone (except me...I just worry).

Due to all the changes Micah's had this year, I decided to put off getting him a "big" bed. It's just one more big thing he will have to adjust to! I know it doesn't seem like much but he's comfortable in his little bed. He actually hasn't asked for a big bed since sometime before we moved into the apartment. So, I'm holding off on that until it perks his interest again. Until then.......I'm glad he's so little!

Esther @ 10 Months!

I can't believe Esther is TEN MONTHS OLD! I seriously thought I had lost track somewhere and had to count to make sure I had it right! Good grief, she's getting so close to 1!

Esther has recently taken less of an interest in walking. She can get exactly where she wants to go crawling, and isn't interested in where Mommy wants to take her, even if it means she gets to walk. But, she's pulling up on everything and cruising so maybe she will do it without my help. Who knows. She's also started doing the Wile E Coyote thing where she stand by herself...but only until she realizes she's doing it and then she sits down.

There was one moment when I though "hey, she's do it...." she was standing by the coffee table and the bench where Echo was sleeping was juuuust out of reach. She sat there trying to grab it for a minute, thought about it, then tried to take the 1 step it would have taken....and fell. She was pretty disappointed about it too. Maybe that will give her the motivation to start trying again.

Back at the beginning of the month I brought the kids with me to a cub scout parent meeting. The boys were out playing while the parents talked in a classroom and Esther kept crawling out of the room (where she couldn't see me) to watch the boys / get in trouble. It was the first time I've really just sort of let her go out of my sight (besides at home) and was surprised she didn't get "lost" and start crying. The adventuring is about to begin.

Little stinker has also started crawling over and putting her face in the dog bowl when she's thirsty. Psh. Goofball.

Esther is "talking" quite a bit lately! By that I mean she can distinctly say things that sound close enough that I can tell she knows what she's talking about...but it's just not every time. So far she's saying Mama, Hi (Iiiiiii), Brother (bruh-buh) and dog (daw-daw).

We are having some interesting times adjusting to both the boys being away (Micah half day) at school. It's so much easier to get some work done when it's just her here and awake...but I still wish she'd take a longer nap so I could really be productive. The best naps she takes are in the car! Oh well, having to play with her for a minute between every phone call or two definitely keeps me from computer burnout.

Esther is waving at just about everyone lately. I don't think most people realize it because it's more like the Hitler salute, but we walk around the store and she does it all the time! It's so funny when someone realize she's waving at them and then she usually turns all shy and clingy. What a goose.

Clapping is another fun thing. Oh! And she's doing peek-a-boo on her own now. I love it! She just has the biggest smiles when she's playing. She's also started bopping along when I play music...that also gets a big cheesy grin out of her.

Her crib is a no go at this point. I don't know what happened, but right around 9 months she was DONE with it. Put her in there asleep or awake, doesn't matter, she's instantly up and screaming. I've given up and just let her nap in my bed. I'm toying with the idea of shuffling furniture around and putting her crib in my room...maybe when the boys get their bunk bed.

She still eats like a champ. Still nurses, but definitely less often. We did have an increase at the beginning of the month due to a cold, but that settled back down.

She's loving mirrors and likes to give "the baby" kisses. She will give us kisses sometimes too, but she seems to need to be in the mood for that. One night she just kept kissing Micah over and over and over but I got one kiss and then she was done (poor Isaiah didn't get any).

I can't think of anything else at this point. We're getting so close to her birthday!

Conversations with Isaiah 06.011

Isaiah: Mom, what do you think I should be when I grow up?
Me: I don't know. What do you want to be?
Isaiah: Maybe...a scientist.
Me: Oh? There's lots of kinds of scientists. What kind do you want to be?
Isaiah: I think....an EVIL scientist!

Conversations with Isaiah 06.010

Micah: How was your first day of school, Buddy?

Isaiah: Good! She (his teacher) didn't yell at me once today!