Conversations with Esther 01.02

Me: Esther, how did you get so crazy?
Esther: Daddy drive me crazy

Conversations with Esther 01.01

Me: Come here, let me give you a kiss.

Esther: No!

Me: No? No kisses?

Esther: No!

Me: Can I kiss your cheek?

Esther: No!
Me: Can I kiss your nose?

Esther: No!

Me: What can I kiss?

Esther: My feet!

One Year (Coming Clean)

A year ago today, my divorce was finalized. It was the oddest feeling of relief, terror, and sadness all rolled in to one. Looking back now, I wonder what in the world I was expecting once that was behind me. Because, even though I was expecting sweet relief and sunny skies from then on, that wasn't to be.

It seemed like everything was going to be fine. The kids and I had a new apartment that had a nice setup outside where we could still play (but I didn't have to mow!), I finally started a job after being out of work for seven months; and working from home meant I didn't have to put the kids in daycare. School started a few weeks later and Isaiah got involved in scouts. I met some great people through that!

Most importantly, I was no longer afraid of what would happen with the divorce. I wasn't worried that my ex would suddenly stop being so accommodating and everything would get ugly. I was no longer terrified he'd make good on his passing threats to take the kids or keep "his money" from us. Finally, everything was over, done, and we could start to put all the ugliness behind us.

We fell in to a routine. As time went on that routine wore me down. The kids were only with their dad sixteen hours a week. Isaiah was in school and Micah had half-day preschool but Esther was still with me the other 527 hours a week (at least, that's what it felt like). The day-and-a-half the kids were gone I had a giant to do list filled with things for work, volunteering, scouts and cleaning. There was never, ever, ever, ever a break. Never.

I kept hearing "you need to have time for you" and "you can't take care of your kids if you don't take care of yourself". I could have taken a break, but something would have been dropped and I would have fallen behind. Trying to catch-up on cleaning or work when the kids were home was.......difficult to impossible.

Over time I started to sink. Slowly, life unraveled. I took those breaks, but I never tried that hard to catch up on everything. I was always behind on something. Trying to catch up on cleaning put me behind on work. Catching up on work put me behind on planning for scouts. Always something was left undone. That feeling made me sink further, so I did less. It was a mess. My attitude was awful. I yelled at the kids all. the. time. I think there were days were a kind were didn't pass my lips. They just wanted to connect with me, but I had sunken in to this fog that I didn't even realize I was in. There were days that I went to bed and had no idea what I had done that day.

Then we had to move from that apartment I was initally so excited about. I could not take the cigarette smoke anymore. Isaiah was having headaches. Esther was coughing all the time. I had to make the decision to uproot us, once again, and get out of an unhealthy environment.

After that decision was made, I found a place, started packing and planning, and I just plummeted. I couldn't do more than one thing at a time. My work started to get sloppy. My home started to get sloppy. My diet started to get sloppy. I can't even describe what I was doing. Just barely going through the motions. This was the proverbial straw that broke me.

Then....I started having passing thoughts about ending it all. About just being done with it because all this was so hard. Thinking about driving in to oncoming traffic with the kids in the back seat so they wouldn't be left without a mother. One day I just broke in to gut wrenching sobs and felt like there was nothing good left in the world and I didn't want to be in it anymore

That day, before I even really had a hold of myself, I called the county mental health department. The guy who did my intake interview said I was "severely, severely depressed" and had generalized anxiety. Instead of waiting another 2 months to see their psychiatrist, I was referred somewhere else for medication, and that place referred me to a third party for counseling. It was sort of a drawn out fight to keep going, to get the help I realized I needed so very, very badly. But this was the first thing in months I put much effort in to. I kept going because I knew I needed to. Because I knew there wasn't an alternative I was willing to accept.

I think I'm at the beginning of a really long road. One where I'm trying to find my way out of this deep, twisting cave I somehow gotten lost in. And I realized I've actually been depressed for a long time. At least a couple years. That's how long I can remember feeling this knot of anger inside. That's how it all started. A little anger that grew in to more and morphed in to complete despair.

So, while I wish I could write about how amazing my life has been since my divorce and how much healing I've done in the past year....I actually feel like I'm worse of now than I was. And while I can't regret ending my relationship, it sure destroyed a lot more of me than I thought it was going to.

Conversations with Isaiah 07.02

Me: How did the allergy medicine work today? Did you sneeze much?
Isaiah: I didn't sneeze once! I think it's because I'm allergic to one of you.

Conversations with Isaiah 07.01

Me: Did you see Henry's dad's arm?
Isaiah: No, what happened?
Me: A dog bit him.
Isaiah: Did they cut it off?!?

Micah @ 4 Years

Stats

30 lbs, 8 oz (10%)

39.25" (30%)

Oh, my sweet bug. I can't believe he's FOUR! That boy is something else. He is just the happiest, craziest little thing I've ever known. He has the biggest bubble of any of my kids but hugs are his way to avoid things. He absolutely loves his siblings. His smiles so big and so bright, but he refuses to even look at a camera 99% of the time. He is my biggest unprompted helper. He is a giant goofball. He is stubborn as all get out.

And, I'm not going to lie, his birth was somewhat traumatic for me. Not in a full PTSD way but the thought of having another baby freaked me out for well over a year. (When I found out I was pregnant with Esther I made sure my new OB knew how quickly Micah came and emphasized the fact that I would prefer a doctor to be in attendance this time around.)

I love him so much.

The two biggest things about Micah have always been: he's so tiny & his crazy bleeding disorder. Well, his blood will always be a thing...but, he's not quite so tiny anymore. I'd say he's graduated from "tiny" to just "small". About a month ago I realized that he was wearing the hand-me-downs from when Isaiah was 4! Micah's still quite a bit lighter than Isaiah was, but he's now within an inch of Isaiah's height at the same age.

When I started jotting down notes for this update I wrote a whole paragraph about how Micah's barely even been bruising lately. Naturally, we've had an increase in bleeding issues since then. It seems like he just needs to brush his nose against something and it's going to start bleeding. The best one was when we were on a walk and Micah just got upset and it started. He wiped out at the pool last weekend and I really expected him to be black and blue the next day. (Thank goodness that didn't happen.) Instead, his nose started bleeding. Twice while we were there. Which reminds me, I need more Kleenex in my purse.....

 

Sometimes this bleeding disorder can be tough. There are things he wants to do that just make me cringe inside. Like cutting out his Pinewood Derby car. Or playing bumper cars (at Chuck E Cheese, so nothing totally insane). While I know that his levels on a bad day are a lot better than others on a good day, I have a hard time not being nervous about things. Whacking his head at the community center or falling off the playground sends me in to a mental debate about whether or not I need to call the clinic and get their opinion on if he needs to come in. He has had marks on his back from a bad fall for months now. I just don't know what to do about it. And while this condition usually becomes milder as an individual grows up, the ways he has to hurt himself get more dramatic (teenage boys!). Anyway, I try not to spend all my time freaking out, but we've had a few big spills lately.

On a vaguely related note, I recently read a book where one of the characters (a little girl) ended up being diagnosed with von Willebrand's. It was a little bit of a flashback, those parents waiting to hear back from the doctor about blood test results, praying it wasn't cancer (because this stuff mimics leukemia). Even though they are fictional, it made me feel somewhat better over my freak out when I got that letter from the hematology/oncology department. Good times.

Micah still absolutely loves going to school. There are days he looks absolutely exhausted and still insists on going. I can tell he's getting more in to the learning side instead of just going there to see other kids and do the noisy/movement stuff. And he suddenly seems to know almost all his letters and can count to 20 minus a 14 or 16. He's getting better at writing his name and can more or less spell it (he tends to forget the 'i'). And apparently he spent most of one day doing puzzles with one of the teachers.

Esther is still absolutely in love with Micah about 95% of the time. She's getting better about demanding what she wants (instead of letting the boys steamroll her) so there have been some fights between those two. But he's still the one she gives most of her kisses to. Isaiah is her protector, but Micah is her buddy.

After all Micah went through last year, I haven't been pushing things on him too much. Unfortunately (for him) that's about to change. I know he can keep his diaper dry all night, he's just not a bit interested in going to the bathroom first thing in the morning. He also still sneaks in to my bed at some point every night. We've had a big lead up to "when you're four, you're going to start sleeping in your bed all night". (He's even said "when I'm 4, I get to sleep in my big bed all night".) I'm hoping he will just...stay there now that he knows he is supposed to. More likely is me having to chase him back in his bed. Once we have that down, we will be doing away with diapers at night (because I'm not giving him the opportunity to wet MY bed if I can help it!)

That boy...I just don't get this part of him. He straight up will refuse to do "the next thing" developmentally speaking. Had no interest potty training. Later it was fits about pooping in the potty. Using utensils are still not high on our list of things to do. Staying in his bed. Keeping his diaper dry. All things I've known he could do, he just had no interest in. Laying down the law leads to melt downs. So I've learned to do this giant lead up to new things (maybe more than I need to). Ever since the "when these diapers are gone, you don't get any more" launch in to potty training, it seems to work. It's just so different from Isaiah who just decides he wants to do things and will do it.

Funny story, a month or so ago Esther was having a really rough time sleeping due to a cough. I made Micah go back to his bed because he was super squirmy and kept waking her up. At some point after going to his bed, he came back in to my room and slept at the foot of my bed. Like Ruff does! He's probably lucky I didn't shove him off the bed like I do to Ruff some nights.

Micah is just an amazing little guy. He can be such a big help to all of us. He still hates having his picture taken. But mostly, he just has this huge personality that makes up for how small he's been. People love to see him coming because he gets SO! EXCITED! when he gets somewhere he enjoys. He also managed to walk the entire time at our last zoo trip...and we went down to the bigger Africa section! Other than the ride back up on the tram (I don't even try that hill with the 3 of them!) he walked the entire time and didn't complain once!

So, more changes on the way for Mr. Bug. But he's rolled with them so far so we'll see how it goes.

Comparing....

Micah	Isaiah
30 lbs, 8 oz (10%)	37 lbs, 6 oz (65%)
39.25" (30%)	39 3/8" (40%)

Conversations with Micah 03.011

Micah walked up to me right before he got in the tub, leaned in, and whispered in my ear "I'm going to pee on your foot"

Esther @ 15 Months

Stats

22 lbs 3 oz (65%)

30.5" (50%)

Comparing...

Esther	Micah	Isaiah
22 lbs 3 oz (65%)	20 lbs, 6 oz (5%)	26 lbs, 8 oz (93%)
30.5" (50%)	27 3/4" (3%)	31" (41%)

Isaiah @ 7 Years!

Stats

53 lbs, 8 oz (65%)

47.5" (40%)

Most birthdays seem to sneak up on me. Not that I don't realize they're coming but, once they get here, I'm always taken aback by the fact that my kids are growing up (You're how old today?!?) Isaiah especially, probably due to the fact that he's the oldest. This year, though...I was ready. I've been saying he's 7 for a couple months now (which started out with an honest confusion of how old he was...because last year lasted forrreverrrrrrrrrr). So, I was ready to start saying he's 7.

But....he's SEVEN.

He's gone from this tiny, helpless baby that I had no idea how I was going to take care of to a walking, (back) talking, loud, silly, sweet, little person. He is SO stinking smart. He loves to read (which I am only too happy to indulge!) He loves his friends. He loves his siblings.

Isaiah is able to do so much on his own now. He mostly made the brownies he brought to school today! He's made everyone sandwiches for lunch when I've had a fussy baby finally asleep in my lap. He showers, washes his own hair, brushes his own teeth, can (mostly) match his clothes. He folds and puts away his laundry! He was making his own bed, too...but I think with bunk beds that's probably going to come back to me.

He's in first grade. He started scouts this year. We went on our first camping trip! He has a little girl that I think he kind of likes. She's super sweet, and I saw her walk right up to him and say "I have a crush on you"!

It's bittersweet looking back through the past year in pictures. We've done so much and had so many changes but he...doesn't look different. I guess we've hit the age where he isn't undergoing dramatic changes from one birthday to the next. I can't tell he's getting older anymore! So, even though we've done so much you can't tell from looking at the pictures anymore. I don't know...I don't think I can put this part in to words right now.

But Isaiah's still my sweet, snuggly little boy. I actually gave him birthday kisses (instead of spankings) this morning and he was so totally and completely thrilled with that. He's the one that's always up for hugs and snuggles. It makes his day when we're able to curl up on the couch and I can listen to him read (those times are all too rare and usually involve a baby in my lap). I'm going to be crushed the day he decides he's "too old" for Mom's kisses.

I didn't know I could ever be some completely frustrated and in love with someone at the same time. Yes, I'm way too hard on him sometimes. Or maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Probably some of both.

If I'm being completely honest, though....I'm a little leery of the time around Isaiah's birthday. We've had spectacularly bad days the past two years. One of those times involved a call to the police. Hopefully things have settled enough that this year we can all get through unscathed.

But nothing can change how amazing he is and how much I love him!