Farewell, 2015

 

It was one year ago, today, that my ex finally moved out for good.

I've now been a single mom of 3 kids for a year.

And I've survived.

I've survived.

I don't know that I've thrived. In fact, some parts have been pure hell. But I've survived. We all have. We survived unemployment, moving, a new job, car trouble, and new activities. We've made new friends, and learned who we can count on (and unfortunately, who we can't).

Most importantly, we've healed. Not all the way, but some. We aren't going to be put back together the same way, but that's to be expected. It's okay. At least things aren't quite as bleak and scary as they were. Everything isn't shrouded in gray anymore.

That was the biggest surprise for me. Everything was kind of gray for a while. I don't know how else to explain it. I don't think I realized it until I looked back.

Sweet Esther was only 6 weeks old when her dad left. Unless something catastrophic happens to me, she's never really going to know what it's like to live with him. It sort of makes me sad...but I'm thankful she won't have memories of the fighting. Or see how the lies tore me down. By the time she can remember, I will have healed (maybe still not all the way, but more than I am now). I will be a strong role model for my little girl.

Silly Micah has been through more changes than the rest of us. He's potty trained (except at night), falls asleep in his new, big bed by himself, and started preschool. For a while he lost his silly. I didn't even realize it was gone until it started to come back. I feel so bad that I didn't know it was missing. I was too wrapped up in myself. In surviving. The silly still comes and goes....but its back, I take that as proof that he's healing.

And my amazing Isaiah. One could argue it's been toughest for him. He remembers living with his dad and he remembers the fights. But he doesn't know about the lies. He doesn't know what finally destroyed his parents' marriage. He just knows his life has completely changed. And so much is expected of him now. I try not to put too much on him, but someone needs to watch Esther so I can make dinner/do laundry/take a shower/etc. It's probably not fair, but there's no one else to do it. Soon enough we can utilize the tv for some of that, but she's not into it yet.

As for me....I don't know. I've changed. I'm scarred. I've cried a lot and been angry more. I've been so frustrated I couldn't see straight. I've yelled at the kids way more than I ever thought I would. I've hated myself. And I've been proud of myself. I found my way out of the gray world I was in for a while. I can remember days where I was completely lost, but didn't even know what I needed.

I learned to sit (somewhat) patiently, pray, and wait for God's direction. And it came. Problems were solved. The gray shroud was lifted. Once again, He provided for us.

For the past couple weeks I've been working on the long form for a marriage annulment through the church. I keep remembering things that I dealt with. So many lies. so much sneaky behavior. Being told point blank that it was my fault I didn't trust him. (Turns out, that was utter bullshit!) I expected it to hurt...but it doesn't. I expected to be angry...but I'm not. I'm sorely disappointed that things went the way they did, but it turns out I am healing. Which is something I didn't even realize I needed to do.

I think forgiveness is coming too. Some days I still want to be angry, but (sometimes) I can talk myself out of it. I prayed about that a lot too.

So next year, as I hit the middle of my 30's, I'm going to heal some more. And so are my kids. I'm still scared of what's in store for us.......but I believe there will be some great things too!