Farewell, 2015

 

It was one year ago, today, that my ex finally moved out for good.

I've now been a single mom of 3 kids for a year.

And I've survived.

I've survived.

I don't know that I've thrived. In fact, some parts have been pure hell. But I've survived. We all have. We survived unemployment, moving, a new job, car trouble, and new activities. We've made new friends, and learned who we can count on (and unfortunately, who we can't).

Most importantly, we've healed. Not all the way, but some. We aren't going to be put back together the same way, but that's to be expected. It's okay. At least things aren't quite as bleak and scary as they were. Everything isn't shrouded in gray anymore.

That was the biggest surprise for me. Everything was kind of gray for a while. I don't know how else to explain it. I don't think I realized it until I looked back.

Sweet Esther was only 6 weeks old when her dad left. Unless something catastrophic happens to me, she's never really going to know what it's like to live with him. It sort of makes me sad...but I'm thankful she won't have memories of the fighting. Or see how the lies tore me down. By the time she can remember, I will have healed (maybe still not all the way, but more than I am now). I will be a strong role model for my little girl.

Silly Micah has been through more changes than the rest of us. He's potty trained (except at night), falls asleep in his new, big bed by himself, and started preschool. For a while he lost his silly. I didn't even realize it was gone until it started to come back. I feel so bad that I didn't know it was missing. I was too wrapped up in myself. In surviving. The silly still comes and goes....but its back, I take that as proof that he's healing.

And my amazing Isaiah. One could argue it's been toughest for him. He remembers living with his dad and he remembers the fights. But he doesn't know about the lies. He doesn't know what finally destroyed his parents' marriage. He just knows his life has completely changed. And so much is expected of him now. I try not to put too much on him, but someone needs to watch Esther so I can make dinner/do laundry/take a shower/etc. It's probably not fair, but there's no one else to do it. Soon enough we can utilize the tv for some of that, but she's not into it yet.

As for me....I don't know. I've changed. I'm scarred. I've cried a lot and been angry more. I've been so frustrated I couldn't see straight. I've yelled at the kids way more than I ever thought I would. I've hated myself. And I've been proud of myself. I found my way out of the gray world I was in for a while. I can remember days where I was completely lost, but didn't even know what I needed.

I learned to sit (somewhat) patiently, pray, and wait for God's direction. And it came. Problems were solved. The gray shroud was lifted. Once again, He provided for us.

For the past couple weeks I've been working on the long form for a marriage annulment through the church. I keep remembering things that I dealt with. So many lies. so much sneaky behavior. Being told point blank that it was my fault I didn't trust him. (Turns out, that was utter bullshit!) I expected it to hurt...but it doesn't. I expected to be angry...but I'm not. I'm sorely disappointed that things went the way they did, but it turns out I am healing. Which is something I didn't even realize I needed to do.

I think forgiveness is coming too. Some days I still want to be angry, but (sometimes) I can talk myself out of it. I prayed about that a lot too.

So next year, as I hit the middle of my 30's, I'm going to heal some more. And so are my kids. I'm still scared of what's in store for us.......but I believe there will be some great things too!

Esther @ 1 YEAR!

Oh, sweet Little Bit. It's such a strange thing watching you grow up. With your brothers, I had hope for more kids...I knew I WANTED more kids, and believed I would have more. With you, though....well, unless something drastically changes, you're it sweetie. The Final One. And watching you move through these stages of growing up is so bittersweet. Knowing we are leaving the baby things behind for good is so sad. And I feel like I missed so much of your first year because I was wrapped up in myself and all that we were going through. I'm sorry you're never going to know a time when your father and I were together, but you will also never know the fighting that went on between us. I believe that moving forward, once your brothers and I have time to heal, things will be much better for us. So, hang in there sweetie. The next year is another big one...but hopefully only for you!

Stats

21 lbs 3 oz (72%)

29" (49%)

We are at one of those stages where every darn day seems to bring something new. Esther is not only standing on her own, but she's started dancing! She can take a few steps on her own, but still mostly cruises. And crawling. She can go anywhere like that and uses it to her advantage when I'm not going the right way, or am distracted by her brothers. In fact, she's found the candy drawer and will make her way over to it when I'm not looking, and go digging for suckers!

Also....climbing. And getting down off things (like my bed, or the couch).

And Esther looooves to practice walking. It's so cute to hold her hand and walk around....but sometimes she wants to walk and we just can't. Like at church. Or in the middle of a busy store. Then the squirming starts. And if she doesn't get out, the screaming kicks in. She can somehow turn completely around in a seatbelt in a shopping cart. Also, it's now fun to walk in circles holding my hand...until I get dizzy and make her stop.

Oh yeah, and she's trying out her voice. She's definitely learned volume and loves to hear how she sounds in different places. If she hears an echo, all bets are off. That girl can make some noise.

Esther is also getting...sheesh, a bunch of teeth. Her 2nd on the top (both sides) finally came through but the 3rd from the middle are both right behind. The second out on the bottom have just popped through as well. Also, apparently one of her molars is coming too. These teeth, let me tell you. They move for a few days and we have really crappy nights of sleep (even giving her Tylenol only gets us until about 3). Then we get a break. And, while the break is nice recovery time, I wish they moved at a more slow-and-steady pace.

Speaking of sleep. She still naps in the car. I need to get things switched around and try to get her back in the crib. Two problems: it will involve screaming, there will be a lack of naps while this gets figured out. Both problems will definitely interfere with work and since we're coming down off a database switch....I've been super busy. So, I suppose that will be put off a bit longer.

Esther has tried so many different foods! She even sampled some sushi last night. But we seem to have hit the toddler eating stage super early. I don't even know what to feed her sometimes! Unless it's cheese, chicken nuggets, hot dogs, or yogurt drops, she's not interested. She's even been turning down grapes!!! I'm so glad Esther is still nursing because she's too young for vitamins to cover that gap in her diet.

Talking is funny. It's like Esther suddenly blurts out a bunch of new words...then doesn't use them! The most recent one is "shoe". Heard it once when we got her new shoes and haven't since. She also can say "Isaiah" perfectly! She's said Micah a few times. But, mostly they're still bruh-buh. My favorite, though is "dis", especially when I ask what she has and she holds it up and says "dis". So stinking cute, that girl. She also says "Ma" reliably. Any animal is "bark bark". Ruff is occasionally "dog".

Esther's had a cold for...about a week now. The first night was freaking awful because I had to sleep on the couch to keep her upright enough that the congestion wasn't making her feel smothered. Since then, we've been able to sleep in my bed, but she always wakes up in the middle of the night coughing. It takes a bit to get that to subside enough for me to be able to go back to sleep (because she gets really agitated by it). Thankfully, it doesn't wake her up enough to make her think it's time to get up for the day. So only one of us seems to be suffering from lack of sleep.

I'm sure there's more she's doing. I just can't seem to keep track of all of it. This will probably be my last monthly update for her, but I'm sure she will be mentioned in her brother's yearly updates coming up soon!

Comparing...

Esther	Micah	Isaiah
21 lbs 3 oz (72%)	20 lbs, 4 oz (15%)	25 lbs, 5 oz (95%)
29" (49%)	27 3/4" (3%)	31 1/2" (95%)

Conversations with Micah 03.010

Me: Okay, Micah. Today is Sunday, so that means tomorrow is Monday and you get to go to....

Micah: KANSAS!!

Me: Noooo.....

Micah: Science City?

Me: How about school?

Micah: Oh, okay. School.

Conversations with Micah 03.009

Micah stumbled and put out his hand to steady himself. Unfortunately, he grabbed the trash can instead of the wall and fell a bit more. Then he burst out with this gem:

Mom! I almost fell! That scared Jesus out of me!!

Conversations with Isaiah 06.012

Isaiah was telling me about the Goosebumps movie after he saw it with Becca...

Mom! You know what the first monster was? The Vomitable Snowman!

Esther @ 11 Months!

Only one more month until Esther turns 1! I can't even believe it. We've been through so much in the past year, it seems like it's gone by so slowly but now we're celebrating Esther's birthday. "The days drag on, the years fly by" sure is applicable here.

I want to say not much has changed in the past month, but I don't think that's true. The absolute biggest thing is, Esther is starting to make her wants known. Loudly. She HATES getting changed. She HATES having things taken away from her. She HATES it when I shower. She HATES getting in the car. She LOVES the kitties. She LOVES going outside. She LOVES to swing. She LOVES her brothers. So, we've been making some small changes here and there.

One of her newly developed dislikes became sitting in her high chair. It didn't matter if she was hungry, she didn't like it. Take away the tray and put her at the table? That will do just nicely, thankyouverymuch.

I've decided to encourage the walking versus crawling for a couple reasons. One, with it cooling off, she's going to wear through pants pretty quickly. Two, she may be more likely to be knocked down but she's less likely to get accidentally (or not) stomped on. I went out and got her one of those push toys and she loved it for about 2 days...now Micah plays with it more than she does. But, in the past couple days her standing alone is really starting to improve. I think the biggest part of that is she's realized she can do it, and now doesn't sit down the second she knows what's going on. She gets so stinking proud of herself, too. It's pretty darn cute.

Isaiah and Esther still love each other. Those two, my goodness. She just looks up to him. He loves her so much...though he doesn't like it when I tell him to play with her while I shower. Apparently he "doesn't know how" to play with her. 

Micah and Esther on the other hand. They have such a love/hate relationship. Definite sibling rivalry there, usually specifically directed at my lap. Occasionally at a toy. Other times, they are so sweet together. I hope the competition wanes as Esther becomes more independent.

Esther is starting to come out of her "I only want Mommy" phase. Thank goodness! I love her so much but sometimes just being able to have someone else hold her for 10 minutes is such a relief. She's even started putting her arms out to have other people hold her. It doesn't usually last long, especially if Micah sees the opportunity and wants to be held. Baby steps.

There's more words coming out of Esther all the time. She said "thanks" when Micah gave her something in church one day. The absolute best was when I told her "I love you" and she copied me. Seriously....awwwwwww! So adorable! She's also waving (and occasionally saying) "hi" and "bye". She pointed at Isaiah and said "bruh-buh Zay" (or something along those lines) a couple mornings ago! Ruff is sometimes "Rup Rup", other times she copies his barking. I know there's a few more, but they escape me right now.

Napping. Ugh, napping is still an issue. She will take a great afternoon nap IF I leave her in the car to do it. She's fallen asleep after dropping Micah off at preschool and not woken up until we got back to school to pick the boys up. But this means I'm stuck out in the car with her. Thankfully my computer can connect to the wifi from my parking spot by the back door...so I just sit in my car and work. Even making phone calls doesn't seem to bother her.

Esther also had her first camping experience! I took the kids and we joined Isaiah's cub scout pack for the family campout. I was worried new surroundings, new routine would throw her off, but she did great. If she had been less interested in trying to eat rocks, that would have been better. Also, if she'd had an easier time falling asleep that would have been nice too...but she wanted to see what those boys were doing. Overall, we survived and so I count it as a win.

Let me just say that I'm awful glad I started planning her birthday stuff really freaking early. I mean, I'm super excited about it and want to have a good time, but 2 months seemed a little excessive. Until I started calling around for things. Like a cake, and a photographer. Several were already booked! I need to remember this for next year if I want to do pictures near her birthday. People schedule fall and holiday pictures around this time so places are booooked. I got in with a lady that had a mini-session cancellation, so I hope I can get some good pictures will all 3 that way!

I guess that's about it for now. On to the big birthday!!!

Micah @ 3.5

Oh, my sweet bug. He is such a character. What's new since his birthday? Well....

Micah definitely has a love/hate relationship with Esther. He can be so sweet and helpful and then be trying to (stealthily) push her over. I'm not sure what to do about that. He gets time out when I catch him, but I know I don't get everything! But it's just so sweet when the first thing out of his mouth most mornings is "how was your good nap?"

On the other hand, he's all love for Isaiah. Except for the accidental injuries between the two, I'm not sure Micah thinks Isaiah can do any wrong. 

He's in counseling. We all are. It's been a rough year. Enough said.

The absolute biggest thing is starting preschool. He LOVES SCHOOL! Oh my goodness, he wants to go every day. And on school days he wants to eat lunch at about 9:30 because he knows he gets to go to school after lunch. I haven't had a single issue with drop off! I really thought he would love it for a day or two (new toys! new friends!) and then be done (wait...rules?!) but he is loving it! He walks in, hangs up his bag, gives me a hug and kiss, and then is off. I'm always hanging around watching for a few minutes (because it's that quick) but he's completely unconcerned.

One glitch with preschool...he's having accidents there. Sometimes a couple a day (and he's only there 3 hours). I don't know if it's because he gets into things, or because he doesn't want to open the door into the other room where the bathrooms are (he can't see through it and hasn't ever been in there except for the bathroom). But the teachers are totally understanding and so it's really a non-issue for everyone (except me...I just worry).

Due to all the changes Micah's had this year, I decided to put off getting him a "big" bed. It's just one more big thing he will have to adjust to! I know it doesn't seem like much but he's comfortable in his little bed. He actually hasn't asked for a big bed since sometime before we moved into the apartment. So, I'm holding off on that until it perks his interest again. Until then.......I'm glad he's so little!

Esther @ 10 Months!

I can't believe Esther is TEN MONTHS OLD! I seriously thought I had lost track somewhere and had to count to make sure I had it right! Good grief, she's getting so close to 1!

Esther has recently taken less of an interest in walking. She can get exactly where she wants to go crawling, and isn't interested in where Mommy wants to take her, even if it means she gets to walk. But, she's pulling up on everything and cruising so maybe she will do it without my help. Who knows. She's also started doing the Wile E Coyote thing where she stand by herself...but only until she realizes she's doing it and then she sits down.

There was one moment when I though "hey, she's do it...." she was standing by the coffee table and the bench where Echo was sleeping was juuuust out of reach. She sat there trying to grab it for a minute, thought about it, then tried to take the 1 step it would have taken....and fell. She was pretty disappointed about it too. Maybe that will give her the motivation to start trying again.

Back at the beginning of the month I brought the kids with me to a cub scout parent meeting. The boys were out playing while the parents talked in a classroom and Esther kept crawling out of the room (where she couldn't see me) to watch the boys / get in trouble. It was the first time I've really just sort of let her go out of my sight (besides at home) and was surprised she didn't get "lost" and start crying. The adventuring is about to begin.

Little stinker has also started crawling over and putting her face in the dog bowl when she's thirsty. Psh. Goofball.

Esther is "talking" quite a bit lately! By that I mean she can distinctly say things that sound close enough that I can tell she knows what she's talking about...but it's just not every time. So far she's saying Mama, Hi (Iiiiiii), Brother (bruh-buh) and dog (daw-daw).

We are having some interesting times adjusting to both the boys being away (Micah half day) at school. It's so much easier to get some work done when it's just her here and awake...but I still wish she'd take a longer nap so I could really be productive. The best naps she takes are in the car! Oh well, having to play with her for a minute between every phone call or two definitely keeps me from computer burnout.

Esther is waving at just about everyone lately. I don't think most people realize it because it's more like the Hitler salute, but we walk around the store and she does it all the time! It's so funny when someone realize she's waving at them and then she usually turns all shy and clingy. What a goose.

Clapping is another fun thing. Oh! And she's doing peek-a-boo on her own now. I love it! She just has the biggest smiles when she's playing. She's also started bopping along when I play music...that also gets a big cheesy grin out of her.

Her crib is a no go at this point. I don't know what happened, but right around 9 months she was DONE with it. Put her in there asleep or awake, doesn't matter, she's instantly up and screaming. I've given up and just let her nap in my bed. I'm toying with the idea of shuffling furniture around and putting her crib in my room...maybe when the boys get their bunk bed.

She still eats like a champ. Still nurses, but definitely less often. We did have an increase at the beginning of the month due to a cold, but that settled back down.

She's loving mirrors and likes to give "the baby" kisses. She will give us kisses sometimes too, but she seems to need to be in the mood for that. One night she just kept kissing Micah over and over and over but I got one kiss and then she was done (poor Isaiah didn't get any).

I can't think of anything else at this point. We're getting so close to her birthday!

Conversations with Isaiah 06.011

Isaiah: Mom, what do you think I should be when I grow up?
Me: I don't know. What do you want to be?
Isaiah: Maybe...a scientist.
Me: Oh? There's lots of kinds of scientists. What kind do you want to be?
Isaiah: I think....an EVIL scientist!

Conversations with Isaiah 06.010

Micah: How was your first day of school, Buddy?

Isaiah: Good! She (his teacher) didn't yell at me once today!

Conversations with Micah 03.008

Me: Micah...do you realize you have two different socks on?

Micah: Yeah! This one, this one.

Esther @ 9 Months

Stats

20 lbs (78%)

27 1/2" (45%)

I totally feel like I just wrote Esther's 8 month update! Maybe because I wrote Isaiah's 6.5 update lately? Or because time is FLYING by? I don't know!

Oh, little bit. She is getting really good at pulling up lately. It seems like she's suddenly doing it on everything! There have even been some cruising attempts, and I'm seeing her push up to her hands and feet a lot more frequently. I though crawling would slow down her walking attempts, but that was only temporary! I wouldn't be surprised if she starts walking before 10 months.

Talking is growing too! She loves to just jabber away, but she's added "Dada" and "Bruhbuh" to her repertoire. A couple weeks ago when Isaiah came in my room one morning Esther looked at him for a minute and said "bruhbuh" (followed by her typical big smile for him). Ohmygosh that made Isaiah's day!

Micah and Esther have been having some issues lately. I'm not real sure what it is, but Micah's started acting out and it's usually directed at Esther (and usually when I'm trying to do something...make dinner/a bed/phone call/etc). I'm not real sure what to do about that, because it seems to be getting a little worse. Micah starts preschool next week so maybe that stimulation will even him out.

Sleep is still just a mess. I don't even know what to do! She sleeps awesome with me at night but good gracious if I try and get her to sleep anywhere else she's up in 30 minutes. Some days she will take a 30 minute nap in the morning and another in the afternoon and that's IT! It doesn't seem like she should be getting enough sleep, but she doesn't look tired and isn't overly cranky. This too shall pass, I suppose. I'm wondering if having both the boys gone for a couple hours once school starts will help her at least take a good afternoon nap.

Esther is now eating all meals with us. I still struggle some days to find something for her to eat, particularly at breakfast when everyone else is having cereal. But she sits at the table and usually at least makes an attempt to try what we have. Pickles are still a good backup.

More teeth are coming! I haven't decided yet if she's getting both up top or just one. Thankfully they are so far not as bad as the bottoms. We shall see if that lasts.

Her checkup isn't for a couple days, so I will come back with stats then. I wonder how close she is to Micah! (Poor bug, I'm going to wonder this every month.)

Comparing...

Esther	Micah	Isaiah
20 lbs (78%)	18 lbs, 6 oz (20%)	---------------
27 1/2" (45%)	27" (15%)	---------------

Apparently, I lost Isaiah's 9 month stats somewhere. Also apparently, there is a huge (percentage) difference in just 1/2" at this point. I guess that makes sense when kids are so little. So, this is about where Micah started staying tiny and Esther is not following his lead. (Actually, we got Micah weighed at Esther's checkup and there's only about 8 pounds difference at this point!)

Conversations with Micah 03.007

I'm bringing my purse in the caaaaaaar! My man purse is coming with me!

"The Lonely Cheese"

"The Lonely Cheese"

by Isaiah

Once a cheese stood with no one around. Then someone came by but he did not play.

Conversations with Micah 03.006

Me: Micah, you need to put your laundry away.
Micah: Ugh! Stupid!
Me: What's stupid?
Micah: Chores are stupid!

Conversations with Isaiah 06.009

Isaiah: How old is my dad?
Me: Uhhh, I don't know. What's 2015 minus 1977?
Isaiah: I don't know! He's like.....sixty?

Conversations with Micah 03.005

Micah: Mom! I need some crack!
Me: Some what?
Micah: Crack!
Me: Uhhhh.....crackers?
Micah: Yeah!

Isaiah @ 6.5

Sooooo....despite the fact that we were literally talking about this last week, I completely forgot about Isaiah's half birthday. Between the divorce being final Monday and the kids being with Jeremy Tuesday, it just didn't even occur to me. This is going to be a tough one to write.

So what's new with Isaiah since January?

Well, with all the changes he's been through, Isaiah started seeing a counselor this summer. He likes Miss Allison and seems to enjoy going and she said he's working through things and may be able to transition out of seeing her in another couple of months. We all still have some rough spots, but we're working on it. After school starts I'm hoping there's no more big changes for a (LONG) while and we can all have a chance to settle down.

Isaiah's doing a great job reading. I love it when he picks up a book on his own to either read to himself or read to one of his siblings. He's like me, reading everything around him...books, packaging, signs, etc, etc, etc. It's great that he doesn't just skip over the "big" words he doesn't know. He's always asking me what a word is and, if it's not familiar, what it means. Turns out, I suck at defining things for a 6 year old. This leads to....

...having fun asking Google things. Isaiah and Micah both enjoy using my phone to ask questions. She doesn't define things for him much better than I do, but it usually helps me when I'm stumped with how to phrase something. A few times we've had to define a word in a definition. I need to find a children's dictionary...

Isaiah misses Jeremy sometimes, naturally. He doesn't get as upset between visits any more and rarely asks to call/Skype with Jeremy anymore. It's kind of sad but I also think it sort of means he's adjusting to not having Daddy live with us anymore. I think moving was a good thing because Isaiah doesn't have those memories of Jeremy being around.

I have to admit that I don't know if we would have gotten through everything as well as we did without Isaiah's help. He is the most amazing big brother!!! It may have been unfair how much I've relied on him to watch the little kids while I shower or cook or clean, and I'm trying to keep that in mind. But, he knows how it goes around here and if I have to leave the kids with someone like my dad who hasn't been around them as much, I know Isaiah is a huge resource for that person. Just the other day my dad said he basically didn't have to do anything because Isaiah knew just what needed to be done. He loves his siblings and is so amazing with them. It's just amazing.

(No, he's not perfect. He and Micah bicker and wrestle and inflict pain on each other. But Isaiah will also help when Micah's stuck on his bike or pick up Esther and move her when she's getting too close to something she shouldn't be near.)

Isaiah's started talking about going back to school. He has a few weeks still, but he's missing his friends. I meant to have playdates this year, but there's been too much going on to fit that in! Isaiah did have quite the meltdown a couple weeks ago at dinner because he found out there was only 1 first grade this year (there were 2 last year) and he was going to have Mrs. Gorman, who is "strict". Ha! I think he's calmed down because we talked about how he's such a good kid at school and follows the rules so he's not going to be in trouble if he listens. I also promised that if it was awful, he could switch schools (but then he started talking about leaving for a year and going back....not sure want that going on.) That just seems like teaching him he can avoid things he doesn't like and we all know life isn't like that! Now I pretty much regret that idea.

That's all I can think of for now. Hopefully by 7 things will be more happy than upsetting!

Esther @ 8 Months

Esther is now 8 months old! She is the most adorable little thing! I don't think she's gotten much bigger since 7 months because she's mostly still wearing the same size in clothes. She only has about 3 outfits left in 9-month so I guess she has gotten a bit bigger...12-month is definitely what we're going for now.

This month started out pretty rough for everyone with the move. We all were short-tempered and/or clingy and/or frustrated for a couple weeks. Thankfully we're getting out of that slump and starting to enjoy the new place. Best part about an apartment is it forces us to get out and walk Ruff. Esther usually takes a nap when we go out in the morning...I just strap her on my back in the Ergo and away we go!

My favorite new development just happened this past weekend. Esther started saying "Mama"! I love it! It's really clear, too. Maybe it's just wishful thinking, but she really seems to only direct it to me.

Esther is now a pro at getting into a sitting position from her belly. She's also doing a bit of crawling, but usually just a foot or two so she can get whatever she wants. I've also seen her up on hands and feet but she doesn't know what to do after that so she sits (falls) back down.

Speaking of being on her feet...Esther's now pulled herself up to standing twice. Once during a bath in the sink I turned to say something to Isaiah and when I turned back she had pulled herself up. (I missed it!!!) The next time she grabbed the edge of her toy box and pulled up like she's been doing it for a while. The strange thing is, she's tried since then and not gotten anywhere.

I think Esther's favorite thing to do right now is to stand at her toy box and grab for toys. She can do that forever! Another fun activity is playing with her computer...she loves to close the lid! I open it and she closes it...over and over and over again. Peek-a-boo is still a top contender too.

Esther's had several rough days lately. I really don't know if its new teeth, an ear infection or something else but I'm leaning toward teeth. Low fever, diarrhea, super fussy, awful sleep. I actually realized I had lost (thrown away?) all the syringes for my baby Tylenol when the fever really showed up. Thank goodness Auntie Becca was still awake and able to bring us more medicine (with the syringe!) at 1:00 in the morning. Bestest Auntie to the rescue! Things seem to be settling down again, but night sleep still isn't quite back to normal.

We are all currently adjusting to Mommy having a job again. Yay! Part-time, working from home so we're having to work on a schedule that lets me get some things done during the day. I wish Esther would take a longer nap in the afternoon but when she wakes up Isaiah is available to play with her for a bit. (I'm not sure what's going to happen when he goes back to school!)

I've been giving Esther food when the boys and I have our meals for a while now and I've noticed she's really reduced her nursing during the day. I'm not sure how I feel about that. On one hand its nice to be able to leave the house with her and not be nursing in the middle of Target (I'm always worried about comments, never had any)....but I'm not even close to ready for her to wean!

One last big thing is Esther will now go spend at least part of the day with the boys when they are with Jeremy. Its nice to have a couple hours to myself, even if they are taken up by errands, cleaning and work. I'm somewhat surprised by how easy it was for her to start going with them but it seems to have been no big deal. She isn't doing all day yet, but I'm not ready for that either!

We have a bit of "down time" before the next thing that changes our schedule (school!) so I'm expecting some big developments from my Little Bit. Let's see what the next month brings! :)

Conversations with Isaiah 06.008

Me: Isaiah, are you hungry?
Isaiah: No. I'm just hungry for science.

Esther @ 7 Months

My lovely daughter is seven months old today! We are going through a move, so this will be a pretty quick update. I just didn't want to forget.

I suspect Esther is getting ready for a growth spurt, based on the chunk that is developing...especially on her legs. She has a roll ON her knee! I don't think I've seen that since Isaiah. She's phasing out of her 9-month clothes and the 12-month are starting to look better. She also got her first swimming suit! I got a two-piece (tankini, because babies in bikinis just seems wrong) figuring diaper changes would be easier. Well, the top seems a bit tight and the bottom is falling off! I don't even know what to do about all that...but she's a baby so I guess it doesn't matter. (I realize that doesn't make sense with my issues regarding baby bikinis but whatevs.)

We finally have teeth poking through! Both the bottom ones. Not that the lack of teeth have caused her any issues, she happily eats whatever the rest of us are eating. A new favorite? Hot dogs! I bet she'd eat them every meal if she could. I think she'll eat half a hot dog at a time, though that's hard to tell because Ruff gets his nose all up in her lap to get things as soon as they are dropped.

Esther is getting less and less patient with sitting down to play...this includes her walker! (Making packing difficult....) She just wants to walk. Or stand. Or anything but sit. She's also starting walking only holding on to one of my hands. She's all over the place like that, really needs to get her balance down, but it leaves her a free hand to grab stuff! Esther is also trying sooooo hard to pull herself up. She hasn't been able to reach anything at the right height and sturdy enough to get herself up yet...but it's going to happen soon!

Nursing is going strong, but she is so easily distracted these days! Any time she hears anything (her brothers, the dogs, the phone) she has to turn and try to figure out what's up. I think this is also related to her wanting to know what everyone is up to. It takes a lot longer to fill her up this way!

A couple weeks ago we had an appointment for WIC and they tested Esther's blood as part of it. Just a quick poke to see if she's anemic. Minimum reading should be 11, she had 8.8 and 10. When I called the pediatrician, they told me to start her on iron vitamins and set up an appointment to check her. I only gave her those vitamins a few days because they upset her belly or something. Even spreading them out over the day, and always after eating, she had some really rough nights on the days she took them. I just hope this is a temporary thing. I worry enough about Micah with his bleeding disorder, I don't want something else to stress over.

That's about it for now. Over halfway to Esther's first birthday now!!

Conversations with Isaiah 06.007

Isaiah:  Mom, can we paint this bridge red?
Me: Uhh, why?
Isaiah: Because way far away, in a land, there's a bridge like this and it's red.
Me: You mean San Francisco?
Isaiah: Yeah!

Conversations with Isaiah 06.006

Isaiah: Hey, Mom. Guess what? Father Pete and Father Ken said mass on Friday.
Me: Oh, yeah? How did that work?
Isaiah: I don't know. Oh! Yes I do! They both just....said words.

Conversations with Micah 03.004

Micah was singing along at the Alleluia on mass this morning. Did great on the "Alleluia" part but didn't know the verse. Instead, he sang out "Everybody poop now" (to the tune of Everybody Dance Now)

Esther @ 6 Months

Stats

17 lbs, 7.4 oz (75%)

25 1/4" (25%)

My sweet girl is 6 months old today!

Silly little Esther has been sitting for about 6 weeks, is practicing walking and now...is rolling over. Lol! She's got it kind of backwards and it cracks me up. It pretty much only happens when I put her in bed and she rolls onto her belly, often gets stuck, and gets super upset. The first time she did it she got so upset I though she was hurt based on the way she started crying. Nope, just on her belly (and spun 180 degrees...somehow!)

Sleep is a nightmare more often than not. Maybe I need to look into sleep training? I dunno. I didn't do it with the boys, and I don't do well with letting her cry. The thing is, the boys took good naps during the day. Miss Esther suuuuuucks at napping. I mean, seriously....30 minutes max. Occasionally she will sleep longer but when her sleep sheep turns off (after 45 minutes) she's up. I just downloaded an app on my phone the other day that will play white noise indefinitely. So far she's slept longer than 30 minutes....once. I'm thinking I need to do a combination of keeping her up a little longer between naps (so she's good and tired) and using that app on my phone. See if we can extend those naps. Longer naps less often, that's the goal.

Thankfully, sleep at night is pretty awesome.

Esther is definitely becoming very anchored to me. At this point there is only 1 person out there I can leave her with...and that's the lady that watches the kids while I do counseling. I guess I've left her with Miss Norma often enough now that Esther knows who she is. But this is creating problems. I had car trouble last week and left her with someone from church (ohmygosh thank God for that family...they sure helped me out!) and Esther cried until she passed out. Same thing when I left her with my mom last week. I'm getting worried about leaving her for court and when (if) I eventually start work. She's going to have a really rough time.

She still won't take a bottle buuuuuut....there's been some interest in sippy cups. I'm trying a few different kinds and she still won't sit there and drink much. She did manage to taste Micah's lemonade with a straw at a restaurant yesterday, so maybe I need to get more of those straw cups. At least there's interest there. I need to try it more regularly but I just...I can't remember to do it. Yet another thing that's going to be tough for her when I have to leave her at daycare. (Though, at the rate the job hunt is (not) going, she may be on solids before I start working.)

As for food...she wants everything! She will try anything that gets close enough for her to grab. So far she really likes lasagna, pickles, cheese, crackers, grapes, chicken and Cheetos. She does NOT like cottage cheese, eggs, or banana. I need to come up with a better variety of things for her to try. I grabbed a couple cans of fruit...she did NOT like the fruit cocktail but I haven't tried the peaches yet.

Esther got her first shoes a couple weeks ago. She still loves being outside and it's finally nice more often than not. The problem was, she wanted to walk around out there but the concrete was hurting her feet. So, shoes solved that problem. Earlier than the boys, for sure (but she also needs them more than they did!)

Esther's still working on walking. She loves being in the walker, and is finally starting to be able to move it forward a bit. There's a lot of backing into walls and getting stuck, still. I'm thinking it won't last much longer, though. The time she can stand on her own is getting a bit longer every day (it seems). Esther's also starting to be able to pull herself up, but only with my fingers. She hasn't really tried doing it with anything else. Know what? I'm okay with that. Kids get so much harder to keep track on when they really start moving on their own. So far, she still stays put.

Esther lost the last tiny bit of baby hair she had on the back of her head...but the rest is coming in pretty well. The bald spot on the back of her head is disappearing (thanks to sitting up and hair growth). Yay! But I had to say goodbye to her last bit of dark baby hair. Her hair is definitely darker than either of the boys' started. I mean, obviously Micah is a towhead, but even when Isaiah's hair first came in it was more golden than brown. Esther's hair is about the same color as Isaiah's is now. If hers darkens too, she's going to have some dark brown hair.

Speaking of her head...it's getting too big for her hair ribbons. I know I can get some more (when I have the money) but it's still sad that's she's growing out of her baby bows. Just like it's a little sad when she outgrows each size of clothes. But the hair bands are just a milestone that the boys didn't really have.

In the past week or so, Esther's really become fascinated with the cats. I'm talking full-on excited baby when she sees them. The dogs don't interest her as much, maybe because they've been in her face since the day she came home from the hospital. Those kitties, though...they're awesome. Of course, they run away if I walk toward them with her so I have to do a sneak attack. Except for Spots, sometimes he comes up to her and walks away with a few less strands of fur.

Other things she finds very exciting: Peek-a-boo, bouncing, "flying", and her brothers!

By the way, in size 3 diapers. In 9 month clothes, 12 month are fitting though. Also, I randomly realized her ankles and Micah's ankles are about the same size (as measured by my fingers). Esther's going to outweigh her big brother pretty soon!

Comparing...

Esther	Micah	Isaiah
17 lbs, 7.4 oz (75%)	17 lbs, 3 oz (50%)	20 lbs, 10 oz (90%)
25 1/4" (25%)	25 1/2" (25%)	28" (95%)

So Isaiah is still the undisputed king in the "big baby" comparison. Esther didn't grow a ton between last checkup and this one. I can't remember exactly when Micah's growth sort of...stagnated. I want to say around 6 months. Maybe Esther's going to stay tiny like her brother? Though, on the other hand, she's already trying to walk, and that's burning calories. We'll just have to wait and see.

Conversations with Isaiah 06.005

We were looking at some pictures that Pam sent us of little Felix...

Me: Do you know who Aaron is? He's myyyy

Isaiah: Brother!

Me: Yup. And he's your....

Isaiah: Uncle.

Me: And Felix is your...

Isaiah: Cousin!

Me: And he's my....

Isaiah: Grandson?

:(

Conversations with Micah 03.004

I'm working on filling out paperwork for preschool and one of the questions was "What upsets your child?" Since I couldn't think of anything (other than normal 3 year old stuff) I asked Micah what upsets him. His response? "Esther upsets me."

Esther @ 5 Months

My sweet little girl is another month older! She's such a cute little thing. I went out and bought her some clothes for summer lately and went up to 9-month. Hopefully that will hold her for most of the season...if it ever stays warm. Girl clothes are so much cuter than boy clothes! And there's more options. I'm going to avoid straight t-shirts and shorts for a while, I think!

Esther had her first Easter! Again...girl clothes are super cute! Her dress was adorable. She did pretty well getting passed around at Mynaw's house. Can I just say...it's funny to see Uncle Joel voluntarily hold a baby now when he was so nervous to hold Isaiah after he was born! Granted, newborns are not the same as a 4-month old...but I often remember Joel's comment of "I will crush him with my man strength" when I see him holding a baby.

Also, btw, completely missed Purim. Not that I've ever celebrated it, but it's the holiday celebrating the story of Queen Esther and how she saved the Jews. "For such a time as this...." and all that. (It's in the Bible, people!)

Little girl is still exclusively nursing. In fact, she will not take a bottle. I've tried...especially since the pediatrician keeps pushing us with the vitamin D, but it's just a no go. Even if someone else has the bottle (sorry Becca and AnnMarie!). I'm actually hoping I don't get a job until she can eat regular food and/or drink from a sippy cup. That will save a lot of tears when she has to start daycare. (There will be enough when I have to leave her...from both of us!)

She is starting to get super interested in what I'm eating. I've let her try a few things...oranges, apples, eggrolls, etc. You know, stuff she really seems to want. She pretty much just sucks on everything still so I'm not quite to where I'm going out of my way to feed her. Probably going to start that pretty soon though. I'm just going to do the BLW (I think it's called?) where I give her what we're eating. It worked really well with Micah! He will try about anything and eats a larger variety than Isaiah (who had jarred baby food). 

Esther has made some big strides in the past month. She's sitting longer and longer every day. Oh, it makes her SO happy to be able to see what everyone else is doing! Laying down / leaning back is no longer okay...usually it means instant tears! The walker and jumper are now our best friends. Actually, she will stay in her jumper for a good while most days, making it easier to fold laundry or make dinner. It also means she can participate in some things with her brothers.

Then, this happened recently. Yup, STANDING by herself! The picture is super blurry because she wasn't still and I was incredibly nervous she would topple over and hurt herself. But, she did it! Esther's been practicing walking too! Giant steps, lifting her little knees to her waist...it's hilarious! She will walk across the house (which is about all my back can manage) holding on to my fingers and taking those big, high steps. I've had one prediction  that she will be walking on her own by 7 months. We shall see.

Still nothing on the teeth front. They're coming...they HAVE to be. Her eyes, nose and mouth are all running. Ahh! But,  the pediatrician said what I thought were teeth are actually gum cysts (which babies can get and should go away on their own). Didn't know such a thing existed.

So, a lot going on for my little bit. Onward to six months!

Conversations with Micah 03.003

Me: Did you find another button in the back yard?

Micah: Yup. I'm gonna find a pink one.

Me: A pink one? Where?

Micah: Maybe at Target.

Me: Target?

Micah: No, not Target. I don't know what I'm talking about.

Conversations with Micah 03.002

Me: Micah, why didn't you throw your trash away?

Micah: Because I was busy!

Me: Busy doing what?

Micah: Getting chocolate!

Conversations with Micah 03.001

Me: What is that, Micah?

Micah: It's a froggy!

Me: What's a frog say?

Micah: Frog say....Happy Easter!

Conversations with Isaiah 06.004

Isaiah found a piece of paper on the floor...


"A fortune fell from the sky! I'll read it to you.

'Become what you become.'

That's a good one!"

Micah @ 3 Years

Stats

26 lb, 4 oz (5%)

35 1/4" (7%)

Good grief, I can't believe my bug is THREE!

And he's FINALLY growing. Since last fall he's gone up TWO sizes! I bet he's a lot closer to average than he's pretty much ever been since he was born. Doctor's appointment is in a few days so we'll see what they have to say.

Speaking of doctors...we are back to the hematology clinic this week as well. Micah was too small to test when they diagnosed him with vonWillebrand's. So now we've got a multiple-hour appointment where they will draw blood, give him the factor X (I can't remember it's name) through an IV, then draw his blood again. (Sounds like tons of fun with a super active 3 year old and a 4 month old, right?) The purpose of this torture is to make sure that this stuff will help him clot so if he should ever need surgery they can give it to him to prevent excessive blood loss.

He never did get one of his bottom middle teeth. Our first attempt at a dentist appointment didn't go so well, so they didn't even try for x-rays. He only got the top row of teeth cleaned despite watching his brother going first and the lady showing him everything. I'm glad they didn't push it, though. The tech didn't give in right away but she also didn't push him. Ironically if the actual dentist had done the cleaning Micah would have been fine. He likes old men.

Potty training is going really well. I always forget the hell that is the beginning of the process. But, starting it when Esther was only a few weeks old was probably a good idea (I didn't think so after about 2 days, but now I'm glad that I didn't give up). She pretty much slept for the hours I spent sitting in the bathroom, waiting for him to go. Anyway, he finally got it, had a small set back, and is doing awesome now. He only wears diapers at night, and even then he will stay dry most days. He doesn't even wear one at nap time anymore! He's not 100% yet, forgetting to tell me if he's really tired or involved in playing. And pooping. Oh goodness, pooping is hit-or-miss. He will only poop in the potty if I catch him and make him go sit. Then it's a fit, but he'll do it and then he's so excited. Every so often he will have a few days in a row where he will tell me he has to poop...but it never lasts long. Boys!

Also, I have no idea how to teach a boy to aim.

In the past couple of months I've made some real progress with Micah sleeping in his own bed. I don't regret co-sleeping but his father was never any help with making progress toward transitioning to his own bed. Once it was just me it really only took a few days, a few tears, and a little bit of transitioning. Since January Micah's gone from sleeping in my bed, with me in it (meaning I was in bed at 7:30 every night) to falling asleep in his bed. Naps are full time in his bed...or Isaiah's, depending on the day. He will still climb in with me sometime in the middle of the night, but does occasionally stay the whole night in his bed. It's a process, and I'm okay with how it's going so far.

Micah's birthday one of many firsts. Since his father and I are divorcing, we are now taking turns with birthdays. It's the first birthday that I don't get to celebrate the day-of. I get to see him in the morning and before bed, but Micah and Isaiah are spending the day with their dad.

Micah's had more change than any of us over the past year. He's dealt with the move, new baby, and daddy moving out but he's also done the potty training and sleeping changes. He's definitely having some attitude lately and I'm not sure if it's from all of that or just from being 3. Micah and Isaiah are both on a waiting list for play therapy so I hope that helps him deal with all the changes. More are definitely coming in the future!!

Comparing...

Micah	Isaiah
26 lb, 4 oz (5%)	35 lbs (75%)
35 1/4" (7%)	37 1/8" (50%)

Esther @ 4 Months

Stats

15 lbs, 4 oz (76%)

25" (70%)

Well, another month has come and gone! It's been a rough one too. Without making this all about me...all the bad news is just wearing me down and I'm grieving the loss of a relationship even though it wasn't salvageable.

Esther's had a rough couple of weeks, too. She's already getting teeth...and decided to start on the top. The corner of her top right tooth poked through about a week ago. Actually, scratch that...looking again I think it's actually her top to the right of the middle. Crazy girl. I keep going back and forth on if I think her bottom middle ones are coming too. Either way, she's been a fussy mess for a bit. I'm hoping she gets some relief soon.

Possibly related to the teeth is a distinct lack of good sleep during the day. I think she would be consolidating naps if she could just stay asleep. But she doesn't, unless she's sleeping on me. I can still put her down in bed during the day and she will fuss for a minute then fall asleep on her own...but it never lasts long. The longest she will sleep is 45 minutes, when her sleep sheep thing turns off. I can't sneak in there to keep it going because she wakes up...but she falls asleep soooo much better when it's on! And I know she will sleep longer because I will occasionally take a nap with her (one of the perks of unemployment!) and then she will sleep for hours! I think I just need to try a sound machine that doesn't switch off and see if that will help during the day.

Thank goodness spring is finally here! Esther loooooooves to go outside. Sometimes it's the only thing I can do to calm her down. The double stroller I got a while back sure comes in handy now. If all else fails I can pop the little ones in it and go walk until Esther wipes out.

Esther has really started watching me when I'm eating. I think she may be ready to start trying foods as soon as she is sitting up a bit better. I will probably do the same as with Micah and skip the jars of baby food and go right to tiny bits of real food. I have already let her start tasting things, and she always makes faces. No matter how interesting she things it is, I'd bet food is going to be pushed right back out of her mouth.

I got out the jumper yesterday and so far that's a winner. Its something she will hang out in for a bit before she gets fussy. She's been enjoying the walker a lot recently too. Anything that keeps her upright! She haaaaates laying down! Front or back, its usually instant tears.

Sibling love is still in full swing too. The boys are still infatuated with their sister and I love how easily she smiles for them. I think she hates laying down because she can't really keep track of what they're up to, so she's almost always sitting or (her new favorite) standing. Obviously she's still getting help at this point but I'm starting to wonder if she will be an early walker so she can keep up with them.

Esther also loves to talk. And giggle. Oh goodness, she's a cutie. Sitting her in my lap and having a conversation (even though I have no clue what's being said) is the greatest thing. She will also giggle and shriek for her brothers...or, as I found out one day, at pictures of her brothers. And she will give us the biggest smiles. I wish I could get a picture of one, but electronics don't make her smile like that.

Esther is also growing like a weed. The new clothes I got her last month are starting to be too small. I put her in a 9-month onesie yesterday and it was just barely too long for her...but not so long that she couldn't wear it. I'm so glad I didn't buy much for her in 6-month! Between the weather change and the growth they only lasted a few weeks. I just hope she doesn't get too big for the Easter dress I already bought her because I can't find it in the next size up.

And so we're off onto another month. I predict a lot of outside activities including zoo trips, visiting playgrounds, and bike rides (for the boys). Hopefully Esther will get some relief from those teeth moving in. And who knows what else!

Comparing...

Esther	Micah	Isaiah
15 lbs, 4 oz (76%)	14 lbs, 15 oz (25%)	18lbs, 3 oz (100%)
25" (70%)	23 3/4" (10%)	26 1/2" (88%)